First post in 18 months and I'm already quoting Frozen

After a little more than 18 months of no posts, I am slowly making my way back. I'm not counting on the readers to be back, but that's completely fine. Writing is something I miss so much, but when we added two whole people to our family in one day...well, that tends to derail a few 'side' projects. Take my knitting, for instance. It was more than a year after the babies were born until I picked up my needles (strike that, I think I took my knitting bag on our Christmas 2012 visit but maybe got two rows done). Writing and knitting, even photography, took a long backseat ride for a while. I knew there was no real preparation for having twins, and it has taught me that life is gloriously insane at times.

I want to write with purpose, but I'm not going to hold myself to a 'must-blog-every-day' standard. I don't even get to shower every day for the most part. I like sharing humor, and my life in photos, but I also like to write about heavier things. I have not been without struggles these past 21 months (that's how old my babies are tomorrow). Like any mom, I have had days of struggling. And I can hardly go anywhere without hearing, "you've got your hands full!" Yes. Full. But my heart has also been full. Of course, some days I have to stop and tell myself to be more thankful. I can see Infertile Tracey glaring at me from the corner, a reminder that this is what my heart ached for...and what so many other women still ache for.

Backing off the heavy stuff now. Again, I write as though no one will read this, and that is truly okay. It is simply a creative outlet for me, maybe something my kids will appreciate waaaaaay down the line. Who knows where blogs will be then...

That's all for now. It feels like I'm writing my first post, and I have nothing to say except, "Hi Internet, here I am!" And now I hear Olaf in my head: "Hi, I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs!" Yikes.

The 'someday' questions

Tonight is the second night in less than a week that I've overheard Miles and Casey talking about heaven and/or the 'new heaven and new earth.' These conversations seem to bring about every question Miles can possibly ask in the least amount of time, with Casey just trying to keep up. It's heartwarming, and a bit heart-aching too. I love that Miles is still so unaware of the pain that comes with losing a loved one. He knows that after death we get to be with God, see God, live with God...he just hasn't connected the loss the rest feel on earth. I'm so glad his heart is still untouched by that pain.

Part of tonight's questioning had to do with what our bodies would be like, how old we would be and where we would live (last time it had to do with his toys and our cats and if they'd be with us in heaven too). Based on answers he was getting from his daddy tonight, I heard Miles blurt out at one point, "So we'll just be walking around with no house? Just walking-walking-walking?"

2,190 Days...312 Weeks...6 Years

Dear Miles,

So the day has come. Wait -- the day actually came and went ten days ago. You are six years old!

When I wrote last year's post, I was in a very different frame of mind. That was a tough post to write. First, you were turning five. Such a milestone in one's life (or maybe just for the moms). Second, you were a few months away from starting school. I was so happy for you, and at the same time feeling a bit lost because I had never envisioned that you would go to kindergarten and not have a baby brother or sister at home.

It turns out that I was able to survive that first day of school, me and Daddy both, although there were some tears on the drive back home. You, on the other hand, handled it all like a pro and have learned more than I myself learned in kindergarten. So much reading and writing and math! And now that your first year of school is nearly over, I know now that we can do it all again in a few more months.

Not long after school had started, you wanted to write your name everywhere. I'm still so thankful for our friend Jen N., who had her camera on-hand for me to capture your letters scrawled in the sand. It's been my computer desktop picture ever since.

We now have so many school projects saved from just the past eight months, not to mention the awesome drawings you've made that hold a special place in a mama's heart. I know I'll have to go through and clean out some things, but others I will hold onto (or frame) and never let go.

When I write these posts, Miles, I always talk about your sense of humor. I can't help it. You are a naturally funny kid (maybe Mama and Daddy helped out a little) and I love it. More and more I have tried to capture your different expressions, and even in one 'photo session' I was calling out, "Mad! Sad! Surprised! Happy!" just to see what you would do with your little face.

Speaking of faces...yours changed in a big way recently. I am talking about the morning after your birthday, when you came and stood by our bed at 6:30 a.m. holding your very first lost tooth. You had waited patiently, wiggled it back and forth until it pretty much popped out nearly on its own. I'm glad I got the before shot a few days prior! (At some point we'll have to talk about your aversion to the flash on my camera.)

You are still my outdoors boy and you love all kinds of animals. Granted, you have moved toward a great fascination with Legos and iPhone/Wii games, but I have no doubt you'll stay connected to nature and the beauty that God shows us there.

Daddy and I are so proud of you. And I'm so proud of your daddy for the example he sets for you every day. I tell you what a great dad you have, and I know you'll appreciate how much he's done as you get older. He is sweet and kind, patient and loving...and the silliness never hurts. I love seeing the two of you together, working in the yard or wrestling in your room, or just plain snuggling on the couch having a conversation. Whether you know it or not, these are the simple things you'll hold in your heart always.

Now me and you...we have a special bond too. It's just a bit different. I have wrestled with you, sure, but I can't do that like Daddy can. We laugh together, but I know there's a special kind of silliness that daddies and sons share. But me and you, Miles, our hearts connect in a special way. I love being that safe place you run to when the nightmares come, or the one who wipes the tears from your face when you fall down. Of course Daddy can do these things too, but I have a feeling that having me hold you close and giving you comfort is a little different -- I remember that with Granmom when I was a little girl.

There is a love that is so sweet between us, a love so pure. You and I went on a 'Mother/Son Date Night' last summer, and a few days later Miss Meagan mentioned that you had told her we had gone to our wedding. I laughed at the sweetness and innocence of it, and I think my heart might have grown in that moment to hold all the love.

Things are changing so much these days, Miles. By the time you start first grade, the three of us will be getting ready to meet your baby brother and sister. Even typing that I have trouble believing it, and I know there will be a lot of newness (and craziness) forced upon your life. I am slowly trying to prepare you, and at the same time knowing that I really can't be fully prepared myself for all the changes to come.

But there are a few things I can tell you, with 100% clarity and certainty, that will not change: I love you. Daddy loves you. God loves you.

As long as you've got all that love to lift you up, you'll be doing fine.

Love,

Mama

Bath Time: Overheard Conversation

Miles: "Somethin' is stinky in here!"

Casey: "Must be you!"

Miles (laughter): "Correct!"

Thank You, God, For These Blessings!

So here it is, a day I thought might never come. Even though we've known for about four weeks, Casey and I are still catching ourselves smiling at each other and realizing that this is real. We are so blessed to be adding to our little family this fall...two precious babies. Our Miles will get to be a big brother twice over.

The short of it, in case there are questions: Yes, this was the result of an in vitro cycle. They are fraternal (unidentical) twins, meaning they could be any combination: boy/girl, boy/boy, or girl/girl. We won't know that for quite a bit longer, but we do plan on finding out before they're here!

I'm only one day past eight weeks today, so it's still early. We found out three weeks ago that there were two, but there wasn't much to see yet. A week after that we could see their hearts beating, and yesterday we saw them again and it was just as much if not more glorious than the first time. The fatigue started hitting me at least two weeks ago and is increasing by the day it seems, and I think the morning (or all-day) sickness is working its way in.

I'm ready to take whatever comes our way -- this is what I've been asking God for all along! All the pains, the hormones, the crazy ups and downs of emotions...they are a blessing that I gladly bear. I have imagined sharing this kind of news for nearly four years. God has grown me in such unique and unexpected ways during that time. I still hurt a bit for that Tracey and maybe will for a little while more. But from where I'm standing now, it was all worth the wait. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'll end with a fun video we made last night when we told our Thursday night 'The Office' students. I wish more could have been there but it was a great time anyway. We had told them we were taking a group picture to give to someone, but they didn't know I was actually taking video the whole time to capture their reactions...which they delivered nicely.

Happy CO Day!

The story I'm going to share here today is, as I see it, pretty strange. But when I think about events surrounding my life -- i.e., medical and hospital events -- it doesn't rank all that high on the weird meter.

Occasionally I'll revisit this particular day in my mind, but often it's easily forgotten until something triggers my memory. This morning it was just a matter of walking past our wall calendar and noting that today's date is February 13. Dates and numbers have easily stuck in my brain since I was very young. I remember visiting a different classroom in fourth grade and seeing an August birthday calendar on the wall. My eyes went to the 31st and the name of the boy whose birthday was that day. I still know that kid's birthday, even though I haven't seen him since I was 10 years old.

Back to the story. Why did February 13 jump out from the calendar this morning? Fifteen years ago today I was living with my friend Becky...so many, many great stories about Becky but this is by far the strangest we share. We were both juniors in college, and it was the day before one of our school's biggest events of the year: Sing Song. Becky was one of just six (or eight?) host/hostesses, meaning that between social club and class acts she would be out there singing and performing dozens of different songs. We're talking costume changes, solos, duets, etc. in front of a huge audience. I was involved in my social club's performance and was barely as busy as Becky had to be that week what with all of the rehearsals.

But this was Thursday, the day before 'opening night' as it were. That night would be a ginormous final rehearsal for everyone. It was always insanity during Sing Song. Becky had gone to bed at a reasonable hour on Wednesday evening, and I was doing my usual falling-asleep-in-front-of-the-TV routine. But like any responsible college student, I had at least brought my alarm clock into the living room and had it next to my head. It was set for somewhere around 6:45 or 7 a.m. I can't be sure of that detail now.

I think it was around 6:15 a.m., something like that, when I felt someone shaking my shoulder. I looked up, and Becky was next to me on all fours. It sounds funny now, but her words were "Tracey...it's Becky." When I really got a good look at her, I could tell she didn't seem like herself. She was groggy and her eyes were half-closed. It's like we both knew something was wrong, but we didn't know what it was. Becky had basically crawled over to me because she couldn't stand up straight, and when I tried I couldn't stand up straight either. It felt like my brain was very cloudy and neither it nor my body would work like I wanted them to work.

So now Becky and I were trying to decide what was wrong. For some reason we both thought there was a gas leak and proceeded not to leave the house but instead to look up a hotline in the phone book. Thankfully we made the decision not to stay in the house, but as it was February and very cold outside, we each went to our closets to find warmer clothing. I remember thinking that I needed a jacket, but my brain couldn't decipher what that was or how to find it amongst all those hanging clothes.

Outside in the driveway, breathing clean air, Becky and I were still out of it. We were first sitting in one of our cars and both beginning to develop splitting headaches. All we could do was describe how bad the headaches were. When the gas hotline man came out of the house, I think at that point we were sitting on the driveway. "You don't have a gas leak. You have carbon monoxide poisoning. I measured it at 700ppm (parts per million) in there." And thankfully he had the sense to call an ambulance to our house at that point.

Meanwhile, an older neighbor was walking by and noticed us sitting (Becky might have been lying down) on the driveway. She talked to the man and then directed us to come to her house and wait for the ambulance. In my mind, being a 21-year-old girl who thought she was invincible, this was all a bit silly. An ambulance? The neighbor feeling like she needed to watch over us? Please. But now I just shake my head at that girl's ignorance and misdirected confidence in her own strength.

The ambulance arrived and the EMT taking most care of us was a woman who, over and over, just shook her head and kept talking about how carbon monoxide is the 'silent killer'. At this point Becky and I were both wearing oxygen masks and were still pretty groggy. All I could think was that this ride would cost too much, my parents would be mad...and no kidding, I actually tried to convince the EMT's that I could drive myself to the hospital. Yeah.

We were set up in a small room together, both still on the oxygen masks. Nobody had told us this -- not sure if it would have mattered -- but when your brain is deprived of oxygen and starts getting it back, it can cause a sort of 'high' effect. The doctor came in to talk to us about what had happened and what needed to happen, but unfortunately for him Becky and I were in that 'high' phase and would break into fits of laughter at nearly everything he said. I am so embarrassed thinking of it now, but I'm sure he understood. Maybe he thought it was funny, but I don't remember him smiling at the time.

What we learned, eventually, was that the level of carbon monoxide in a non-smoker's body is 0. The level in a smoker's body is about 1. The levels in my body were 15.6, and in Becky's...23. She had been sleeping up on a bunk whereas I was on the floor, so that was probably why her levels were higher. The very scary part was finding out that a level of 30 is fatal.

It was explained to us that, though using the oxygen masks would be helpful, what would force the carbon monoxide out of our bodies more quickly was a hyperbaric chamber. The hospital had two, and I don't think they'd had them very long. Becky and I were changed and each put into a chamber, which were long glass tubes. There were 'rules' for the hyperbaric chamber, like being aware of the pressure changes (like taking off and landing in a plane) and having to take 'air breaks' because breathing 100% pure oxygen can itself be fatal. But let me tell you...I have never before or since breathed air so clean. It was amazing.

Each of us also had someone sitting outside the chamber to monitor our progress. The entire process took two hours, which really wasn't bad. There was a TV outside the chamber, and the woman sitting with me switched channels until I settled on 'America's Funniest Videos.' I remember this because after one of the videos the woman with me clicked on the intercom to my chamber and said, "That would be so embarrassing." I wanted to laugh, because, really? I was lying in a hyperbaric chamber and she was making comments on a home video? I guess she was just trying to keep me company, which was nice.

Becky and I were able to meet up again later, fully alert, and share the details of the morning. What I hadn't known before was that the only reason she had woken up was because she had to go to the bathroom. When she got down from her bunk, she immediately fell on the floor and realized something was wrong. That's when she crawled into the living room to wake me up.

When we arrived home, I wrote 'Thank you, Becky's bladder' on a Post-It and stuck it to the bathroom mirror, where it stayed for months. Of course, both Becky and I were thanking God rather than her bladder. We found humor in the story, but it was still very sobering how close we came to never waking again. So I share the humorous parts of this story, but every time it comes to my mind I'm so thankful that God spared us both.

Love you, Becky...Happy CO Day!

Goodbye '11, Hello '12

So much happened this year...so many changes and adjustments, joy and sorrow mixed together. I won't go over all of it again, but I thought I'd share some of my favorite Miles quotes from 2011, plus share a few pictures we took today. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and the three of us spent it together: taking the van through the car wash (Miles' first time, he loved it), going to the park, eating out, then Wii bowling and end-of-the-year photos. That's become a sort of tradition, I think it started when Miles was two.

Miles going through his first car wash

Last family photo of 2011

MY FAVORITE MILES QUOTES OF 2011

Me: "Do you know why I love you so much?" Miles (rubbing my back): "Because you're graceful." 

Casey: "Miles, are you going to change the world?" Miles (pausing and thinking): "I am going to change the world, yes!"

Miles, getting his nightly 'kiss attack' from Mama and Daddy: "Man, these kids really like me."

Miles, yesterday to me on the phone: "I love you with a heart."

Me: "Stop moving your legs, it's driving me crazy." Miles: "But they want to talk!"

Miles, after being reprimanded by his mama: "You know you still love me."

Me: "Miles, what to you want to be when you get older?" Miles: "Five." Me: "But what do you want to do?" Miles: "Help Daddy; work with him."

Miles, talking to his Mama (who feels very blessed): "You are so nice. And you are love."

Miles decided to bring his Winnie the Pooh bear in the van when I went for a latte, because 'Pooh-Bear likes to go on adventures.'

Miles wasn't happy with me this morning and told me, "You aren't being very 'buddy' nice."

Miles, after falling down and showing Casey the bump he got: "That very hurts."

I was holding Miles high up in the air and he said, "Don't drop me on the face!"

Me: "Miles, you didn't get a haircut?" Miles: "No, but it's okay. It's very perfect."

Miles saying goodnight to Oz the cat: "Happy daydreams!"

Miles sneezed on the iPod and said, "I just 'blessed you' all over it!"

Miles, standing by the bathroom scale: "Mama, let me see how weigh you are!"

Miles: "Mama, look what I lost for hundred of years...this flashlight!"

Miles to Casey: "You talked right into my eye!" I hate it when that happens.

Miles: "You are the champion girl star." Me: "Really? That's awesome!" Miles: "I don't know how I figured that out!"

Case and Miles were outside and passed by one of our yellow roses. Miles told Casey, "In my heart, I want to give that to Mama." And he did.

HAVE A HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR!

Squishy

Last night as Miles and I were hugging goodnight -- he's in a sort of bunk bed so he was up higher than me -- he was mostly hugging around my head. He squeezed and said, "That's my squishy head!"

"Who, me?" I asked.

"Yes!" he answered. Then he gave me a big smile and said sweetly, "You are my squishy love."

Playing Catch-Up

Click here to vote for my photo of Miles for Shutterfly's Family Photo Days Holiday Photo Contest! If you don't want to vote, it's cool...just go look at the photo, it's still fun to see!

Side note: Sorry I have not been blogging lately. Catching up with life, tapering off anti-depressants, and there are more holiday things to be working on than I can think of at the moment. Tonight, the three of us will be trimming the tree while eating cookies and M&M's, listening to holiday music and wrapping presents. I'm sure a game of Chutes and Ladders or Wii something-or-other will make its way into the mix.

Oh, there goes the dryer! Back to domesticity. I did manage a workout, something I've been really getting into these days. My body is not happy with me, but too bad. The feeling has been mutual. Hope you're all having a blessed Saturday!

What do you expect? He was only born in 2006!

Less than two days after I'd posted this YouTube video featuring comedian Louis CK on Conan, Miles gave a perfect example of how far we've come technologically in such a short time -- and how kids today are completely unaware of it. Thankfully my example is not one of him complaining, but rather...well, just keep reading.

Tonight we were doing a 'family game night' of sorts, something we need to do more often but haven't lately. After dinner Casey suggested we play 'Go Fish' and Miles was beyond excited when I agreed to play with them. Our family game night usually tends to be spent playing a Wii game, like super-strike bowling. But Miles enjoys the card games just as much -- I think for him it's about all of us doing something together.

I think we were just into our second game and it was Miles' turn. Suddenly he stood up and began running toward the bathroom, but stopped to yell back at us, "Pause the game!" and kept going. As Casey mimicked pointing a remote at our pile of cards, I threw my head back and laughed. Miles soon made his way back to the living room, laughing along with me as he had realized what he'd said.

Without getting too deep here, that was one of those moments where I wanted to ask if I could press the pause button and make it last a little longer.

Best Homework Ever

Last night Miles had his first homework assignment, which involved working on the letter E, matching rhyming words, writing his name and the number 3. Casey and I sat and watched as he held his pencil and that little face showed such concentration. It was all too adorable for me, and I couldn't help but kiss his cheek as he worked. Each time he'd finish one task on the paper, he would turn my way and look for the praise and encouragement he needs when learning something new. At one point though, Miles stopped his work to smile at me. He tapped his chin in thought and said, "Mom, I think you're going to be so proud." At this I burst out laughing, then hugged and kissed him and told him he was right -- I would be so proud of him forever and ever.

Oz, Censored

I apologize for the uncouthness of this photo. But just to let you know, I did alter it a bit. That's really a no-no for the photo purists, but I was afraid I might alienate some of you. Not really...but the un-altered version did take away some of the cute factor of Oz (or 'Ozzy-Bear' as he is known in our house).

When I look at this photo, it just makes me smile. This little guy, who we adopted back in October, is nearly one year old and is one of the funniest cats I've known. It's no joke that animals have different personalities. Junebug, our nearly-eight-year-old cat, is grumpy and likely to snap if she is in one of her moods. Oz, on the other hand (or paw?), needs love and attention almost constantly. He is playful and cracks me up in the way he pounces on simple things like door shadows. Oz has been a fun little addition to our family.

Five is Here. Heart, Don't Break.

Dear Miles,

Three days ago you turned five years old, something I have been slightly dreading for a while. Each birthday has gotten just a little more difficult for me, but five means more change than your mama is ready to embrace.

I begged you joked with you several times before the big day about remaining a four-year-old. Finally you got quite serious with me and said in a firm but kind voice, "I have to get bigger, you know that." You are so very ready to be taller and older, and yet you are still somehow sensitive to how I am dealing with it.

One of those changes I mentioned at the beginning is the fact that you will start attending school in the fall...no, not even the fall, because it begins on the fourth day of August! Can't I just have one more month with you? But no. And when we registered you for school recently I made myself swallow those feelings down, because this is a big deal for you and you need to know that I am going to be okay. Of course I'll have my little crying moments away from you, but I'm also going to be so proud to see my Miles head off on a new adventure.

Learning to write letters and to count

There have been so many more 'firsts' this past year. You played your first (and second) season of soccer and went from crying on the field to scoring your first goal! You really got into dressing up for Halloween, and sometimes when it wasn't Halloween you still wanted to be Batman. For Christmas you received your first 'big' bike...good thing too, that tricycle was getting a bit small for you. And even though we have had our cat Junebug since before you were born, the arrival of new kitty Oz has been a big first in your life. He just has no idea how much you adore him, and I think he's very lucky to have you for a friend.

Showing his soccer form

Enjoying Halloween treats at the library

Bike ride in the park

Miles and Oz: best buddies

This past winter, you made very clear something that has seemed clear for a good while now: you love the cold. In fact, you made that statement to me so much that I almost knew when you would say it. But even in that spirit you cannot ignore how much more you love each different season. It's as if it's in your blood, and must be, because your daddy is the same: loves the cold, but can't get enough of those changing seasons.

Looking cool while washing the car on a summer day

The perfect pumpkin

Snowball fight with Daddy in the nine-inch snowfall

Spring snails found on the porch

Miles and Daddy...what can I say? The blessings I receive from you both on a given day could keep my heart afloat for years to come. You are both more sweet to me than I deserve, and nothing makes me smile more than seeing you interact and share that daddy-son affection I know is so important. Miles, when you get older I hope to see you appreciate what an incredible man your daddy is. I know that right now he is your hero in that 'my daddy is the strongest man in the world' type of way...someday you'll learn that he is very strong, and giving his life in service to God shows that strength every day.

Daddy, Miles and Uncle Corey on the U of A campus

How tall are we, Mama?

 Falling asleep while waiting for Daddy to play

We've seen your sense of humor emerging more this past year. It's so much fun seeing you understand more subtle humor, but you're still mostly about the physical comedy. Nothing wrong with that! Some of the greats have been revered for their slapstick. I'm just glad you still think I'm funny, and hopefully our dinnertime giggles will last a long time.

I learn so much from you, Miles. You already see beauty in the small things, you take joy from the simple things, and you charge ahead with the tough things. Life is still so new and amazing for you, but you are teaching me. I have a feeling it will always be that way.

That purity, that innocence about you, I am holding on to that for as long as I can. When I write your next birthday letter, you will almost be through with your first year of school. How much will you have grown? How much will you have changed? I want you to grow in love and goodness always, and keep that joy in your heart as you go on your way. But I am here whenever you need me to lean on.

Love,

Mama

The Proposal

Last Monday evening, Casey and I were watching America's Funniest Videos with Miles. I had stopped watching it for years but started taping it again last year because I thought Miles would enjoy it. He loves it. Since then, I've sent in two videos to AFV, one of Miles as a baby and one of our college students.

So, one of the many video clips we were watching that evening was a wedding video, and as we saw the couple exchanging vows, Miles turns to me and says, "Can we do that, Mom?" I clarified that he meant getting married, and he said yes. Then a pause as he looked at me very seriously and asked, "Would you?"

I turned to Casey and said, "He's proposing to me!" I've heard so many moms talk about having a similar moment with their little boys. Little boys' first love is their mama, and it is more sweet than I can even put into words. I have always wondered if Miles would talk about marrying me -- he has told Casey that 'Mama is my girl' and that sort of thing, but this moment...this was the moment.

So I told Miles, "That is so sweet, but Mama already married Daddy." He wasn't having that. "No, I'm going to marry you." Then he went on to say he was also going to marry 'tiny Sam' who is one of his best little girl friends he sees often at worship and they are very sweet together. She is just one year younger than him.

I thought I had it straight, but I decided to clarify: "So Miles, you are going to marry me, then you are going to marry tiny Sam?"

"Yes."

"But you can only marry one person."

"No, I want two."

That's an entirely new discussion for another day.

"What happens after dying?"

The other night Miles began talking with me about dying.

"What happens after dying?" was his out-of-left-field question.

"Who were you talking with about dying?" I asked, to which he told me Daddy (who was conveniently no where in sight).

Still, these are the conversations I love. I long to hear what is inside my little boy's mind, what he thinks about when he's not focused on Wii games, wrestling, Oz the kitten or -- the most important thing -- FOOD.

"What happens after dying? Do we come back?" A thought of reincarnation flashed through my mind.

"Well, if we love God and do what he says, we get to go and live with him forever," I answered as best I could.

"Do we get to see him?"

"Yes!"

"That's cool!"

I don't remember how the conversation went from there, but it seemed to be all Miles wanted to know for now. Left me with a warm feeling from the glimpse I had into my baby's heart.

And to All a Good Night

A Christmas Wish

We've never done the 'meeting Santa and getting a picture with him' thing with Miles, but there's a possibility we'll do that this week sometime. So I asked Miles last night at dinner what he would tell Santa he wanted for Christmas if he met him and without hesitation he said, showing me the size with his hands, "A big gun. Not a tiny gun. A big gun." I'm really not sure where he would get this idea since the only gun thing he's been around is a tiny water gun he was given recently. So I said, "You mean like a really big water gun?"

"No, one that shoots things." (Gestures things coming out of the gun.)

"You mean like, soft things?" (Me picturing some kind of Nerf gun.)

"No, hard things."

"But those would hurt people."

Long pause. "Oh."

I know he's four and that he's still unaware of guns and their real danger, but it bothered me just a bit that upon his very first meeting with Santa he would say "I want a big gun!"

Another part of me couldn't help picturing Peter Billingsley in 'A Christmas Story' frantically talking about the Red Ryder BB gun before being kicked down the slide.

The Logic of Miles

For several days now in our neighborhood, the signs have been plastered with the face of a tiny lost chihuahua. Miles started noticing these after a while and would just say, "Look at the little puppy!" and we would explain to him that it was lost and someone was trying to find it.

This morning we were out driving and he started asking, "Who lost that puppy?" and I told him we don't know them, they just live somewhere near us. Then I said, "Miles, before you were born we had a sweet little cat named Toby, and he went missing." Of course he had lots of questions about him, mainly wondering where Toby went. I said, "I don't know...he just went away."

"Mama," he said, "maybe he was just shy."

Somebody I Know Must Work at This Place

Cafe Press, you know me all too well...

"Pivot!!!"

It's 'Move-In Day' on campus today. What does that mean for me? Not much, really, seeing as I would have hard time maneuvering all those freshmen boxes up and down stairs with a four-year-old at my heels saying, "Mama, I see a spider!" or asking to go home or be picked up or to help with a 100-pound box. Okay, that last one would have been sweet...but not possible.

No, Move-In Day for me means meeting Casey and the rest of the crew at some point near lunch to hopefully capture some of them on my trusty camera. I'm sure they'll love that. But hey, it's my job. They do things, I document, we all watch the show later and laugh at ourselves. Or rather, we all laugh at them. You didn't think I'd end up in any of my shows, did you? We'll see on Monday night...on the schedule is pizza and Rock Band.

I'm hoping that another thing that Move-In Day means for me is a new t-shirt. I saw them yesterday and they are rad.

P.S. If you don't get the title's Friends reference, I'm very sad for you. That scene is one of THE BEST.