First post in 18 months and I'm already quoting Frozen

After a little more than 18 months of no posts, I am slowly making my way back. I'm not counting on the readers to be back, but that's completely fine. Writing is something I miss so much, but when we added two whole people to our family in one day...well, that tends to derail a few 'side' projects. Take my knitting, for instance. It was more than a year after the babies were born until I picked up my needles (strike that, I think I took my knitting bag on our Christmas 2012 visit but maybe got two rows done). Writing and knitting, even photography, took a long backseat ride for a while. I knew there was no real preparation for having twins, and it has taught me that life is gloriously insane at times.

I want to write with purpose, but I'm not going to hold myself to a 'must-blog-every-day' standard. I don't even get to shower every day for the most part. I like sharing humor, and my life in photos, but I also like to write about heavier things. I have not been without struggles these past 21 months (that's how old my babies are tomorrow). Like any mom, I have had days of struggling. And I can hardly go anywhere without hearing, "you've got your hands full!" Yes. Full. But my heart has also been full. Of course, some days I have to stop and tell myself to be more thankful. I can see Infertile Tracey glaring at me from the corner, a reminder that this is what my heart ached for...and what so many other women still ache for.

Backing off the heavy stuff now. Again, I write as though no one will read this, and that is truly okay. It is simply a creative outlet for me, maybe something my kids will appreciate waaaaaay down the line. Who knows where blogs will be then...

That's all for now. It feels like I'm writing my first post, and I have nothing to say except, "Hi Internet, here I am!" And now I hear Olaf in my head: "Hi, I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs!" Yikes.

Dear Maggie and Moses

Last summer I drove about two hours from home to a place of solitude. I needed solitude. Everyone does, and no one really has to go anywhere special for it, but I had felt a strong pull toward truly getting away to be with God for some time. I found a wonderful little place where I had my own tiny cottage for two nights, and Casey's full support made it possible for me to have this time away guilt-free.

While there, I spoke about twice each day with the lady who essentially ran the place. Clare is her name. I told her my very long story, going back to when Miles was born and getting to the place of grief I was currently in, the place where our dreams of more children had not been realized. I had been journaling during my solitude, and on the second day Clare suggested I write a letter in my journal to the children who had never come to be. I knew instantly that I didn't want to do that, and so it meant to me that I needed to do that. But it was going to be one of the hardest things I would write.

It just so happened that Casey and I, over the course of our four failed in vitro cycles, had each come up with a name we liked if we ever had a boy or a girl. He had a girl's name in mind, I had decided on a boy's name. We had talked about them through each cycle, dreaming that one or both of them might be ours one day. The names had come to mean so much that I decided to address my letter to these two specific children. Keep in mind that this was June of last year...we weren't even at a place of knowing if we would try in vitro ever again.

With all of that said, I feel as though tonight is the perfect time to share this letter, so here goes.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Maggie and Moses,

     I find it so very difficult to begin this letter. My fear is that I will cling to the hope of you even more, and that hope has been discarded and trampled over and over again for more than three years.

     Instead of sitting here writing a letter to children who don't exist, I should be holding you in my arms. I should be listening to your laughter as your big brother Miles is his usual, funny self. I thought that one or both of you might be here by now. None of that has come about as I dreamed...it's only been one more heartache after another.

     How do I miss a child that never was? But I do -- have seen you in my dreams, have imagined you coming home, have wondered what you would look like.

     For so long, it has felt as if you were waiting for me at the end of this long journey; it was like I could see you as that light at the end of a torturous tunnel.

     But now...now something I was sure would happen in time might never happen at all. Will I never know you? I struggle mightily to let you go.

     If you are not to be, I need God to change the desires of my heart, because I cannot do it myself. This longing seems almost more than I can bear at times.

     But oh, how you would be loved! And every day that you are not a reality makes me want to hold Miles that much closer. As much as I hope for you...well, he is here and you are not. God gave me such an amazing, beautiful boy in Miles Kendrick. I am desperate for him not to suffer because of my own grief. He is loved, he is precious, he is pure -- HE IS HERE. My love and delight need to be reserved for him, and not for a child that isn't.

     I'm sorry, Maggie and Moses. Please come if you can. But if you can't, God will take care of us. I hate to say goodbye to you, but I need to lay the dream of you at Jesus' feet. He will know what to do.

     I still want you...I do. But if my holding to the idea of you is futile, I am only doing a disservice to Casey and Miles. They need me, my heart and my nurturing. They are my boys.

     If you come someday, you will know what I mean. The love you will find in our little family is precious. It is waiting here if God's will is for you to be.

Love forever,

Mama

_________________________________________________________________________________

Even now, that is a very hard letter for me to read. I don't feel the sadness as much, but I remember it. But my sorrow was turned to joy on January 19 this year when we found out our fifth cycle was a success. And then again a week later, the joy grew as we found out we were having twins! Then came April 9, the day we learned we were having a boy and a girl...our Maggie and Moses.

Tomorrow is the end of a long chapter and the beginning of another, because our sweet little ones will arrive in this world. We only just learned that this afternoon, since Moses' growth had dropped down a bit, so the safest and best thing to do is to get them outside my body as soon as possible so he doesn't lose any more nourishment. Having carried these two miracles for 36 weeks and 6 days by the time they're born, I am so relieved to be where we are. I am so blessed. Praise God for new beginnings!

The 'someday' questions

Tonight is the second night in less than a week that I've overheard Miles and Casey talking about heaven and/or the 'new heaven and new earth.' These conversations seem to bring about every question Miles can possibly ask in the least amount of time, with Casey just trying to keep up. It's heartwarming, and a bit heart-aching too. I love that Miles is still so unaware of the pain that comes with losing a loved one. He knows that after death we get to be with God, see God, live with God...he just hasn't connected the loss the rest feel on earth. I'm so glad his heart is still untouched by that pain.

Part of tonight's questioning had to do with what our bodies would be like, how old we would be and where we would live (last time it had to do with his toys and our cats and if they'd be with us in heaven too). Based on answers he was getting from his daddy tonight, I heard Miles blurt out at one point, "So we'll just be walking around with no house? Just walking-walking-walking?"

Prepared? Yes. Ready? Hmm...

It's a familiar theme in my life, but lately the 'I-have-so-much-to-get-done' refrain plays ever louder in my head. If all goes according to plan, I have 10 weeks and 5 days (my 38-week mark) to do those things...but one must keep in mind that dreaded unexpectedness. After all, my first child did arrive six weeks early, and I was not ready.

My constant reminders to 'get this done, get that done' mostly come in the form of little feet in my ribs, tiny hiccups from two growing wonders, and those exploring knees and fingers that feel so funny and amazing. I can still move around fairly well, but I'm noticing my limitations more and more (shoe-tying and toenail-painting come to mind).

I won't get everything done. I'll have the essentials ready, I know that, but that list in my head of hundreds of tiny things will not be fully finished and I just have to live with that. Priorities must rule, and those include the health and wellbeing of me and my family and our precious relationships and time together before it all changes.

Because it's all going to change in the blink of two little pairs of eyes.

10 years...just a drop in the bucket, baby

My husband has dark, beautiful hair. I thought it was black for, I don't know, a long time until he pointed out that in the sunlight it is a rich, chestnut brown. No matter...I've always loved it, been jealous of the body it has and the fact that he never has to use any product to make it do what it should. But if you're standing close enough, you'll see that this beautiful hair of Casey's is becoming speckled with little white hairs. These were not around ten years ago when I married my 24-year-old groom. My conclusion is that mostly I put them there, what with all the hospital craziness (as I have termed it) and...maybe sometimes just being me. I guess I'll share a few with Miles and the campus ministry.

When Casey and I first fell in love, I would tell him he was 'perfect'. Ever humble, he would add, '...for you.' And yes, over the years I've realized my husband is definitely not perfect, but in fact perfect for me. I always say that my best decision ever was to accept Jesus as my Savior, and my second best was to choose Casey to be my love for life. He is my best friend, the one I want to share everything with first, the other half of my heart. I adore Miles and little Maggie and Moses, but they would not be had it not been for this precious man who I love more every day.

Ten years is a long time. But then, it's not. Casey and I have packed a lot of life experience into the past decade. We have ridden storms and I'm sure we'll ride many more. I don't think either of us planned that we would be expecting our second and third child at this point in our lives, much less at the same time! But that is part of what makes our story our story. And thank God that He is at the center of it all.

Happy First 10 Years, Case. You are definitely the most perfect man...for me. xoxo

2,190 Days...312 Weeks...6 Years

Dear Miles,

So the day has come. Wait -- the day actually came and went ten days ago. You are six years old!

When I wrote last year's post, I was in a very different frame of mind. That was a tough post to write. First, you were turning five. Such a milestone in one's life (or maybe just for the moms). Second, you were a few months away from starting school. I was so happy for you, and at the same time feeling a bit lost because I had never envisioned that you would go to kindergarten and not have a baby brother or sister at home.

It turns out that I was able to survive that first day of school, me and Daddy both, although there were some tears on the drive back home. You, on the other hand, handled it all like a pro and have learned more than I myself learned in kindergarten. So much reading and writing and math! And now that your first year of school is nearly over, I know now that we can do it all again in a few more months.

Not long after school had started, you wanted to write your name everywhere. I'm still so thankful for our friend Jen N., who had her camera on-hand for me to capture your letters scrawled in the sand. It's been my computer desktop picture ever since.

We now have so many school projects saved from just the past eight months, not to mention the awesome drawings you've made that hold a special place in a mama's heart. I know I'll have to go through and clean out some things, but others I will hold onto (or frame) and never let go.

When I write these posts, Miles, I always talk about your sense of humor. I can't help it. You are a naturally funny kid (maybe Mama and Daddy helped out a little) and I love it. More and more I have tried to capture your different expressions, and even in one 'photo session' I was calling out, "Mad! Sad! Surprised! Happy!" just to see what you would do with your little face.

Speaking of faces...yours changed in a big way recently. I am talking about the morning after your birthday, when you came and stood by our bed at 6:30 a.m. holding your very first lost tooth. You had waited patiently, wiggled it back and forth until it pretty much popped out nearly on its own. I'm glad I got the before shot a few days prior! (At some point we'll have to talk about your aversion to the flash on my camera.)

You are still my outdoors boy and you love all kinds of animals. Granted, you have moved toward a great fascination with Legos and iPhone/Wii games, but I have no doubt you'll stay connected to nature and the beauty that God shows us there.

Daddy and I are so proud of you. And I'm so proud of your daddy for the example he sets for you every day. I tell you what a great dad you have, and I know you'll appreciate how much he's done as you get older. He is sweet and kind, patient and loving...and the silliness never hurts. I love seeing the two of you together, working in the yard or wrestling in your room, or just plain snuggling on the couch having a conversation. Whether you know it or not, these are the simple things you'll hold in your heart always.

Now me and you...we have a special bond too. It's just a bit different. I have wrestled with you, sure, but I can't do that like Daddy can. We laugh together, but I know there's a special kind of silliness that daddies and sons share. But me and you, Miles, our hearts connect in a special way. I love being that safe place you run to when the nightmares come, or the one who wipes the tears from your face when you fall down. Of course Daddy can do these things too, but I have a feeling that having me hold you close and giving you comfort is a little different -- I remember that with Granmom when I was a little girl.

There is a love that is so sweet between us, a love so pure. You and I went on a 'Mother/Son Date Night' last summer, and a few days later Miss Meagan mentioned that you had told her we had gone to our wedding. I laughed at the sweetness and innocence of it, and I think my heart might have grown in that moment to hold all the love.

Things are changing so much these days, Miles. By the time you start first grade, the three of us will be getting ready to meet your baby brother and sister. Even typing that I have trouble believing it, and I know there will be a lot of newness (and craziness) forced upon your life. I am slowly trying to prepare you, and at the same time knowing that I really can't be fully prepared myself for all the changes to come.

But there are a few things I can tell you, with 100% clarity and certainty, that will not change: I love you. Daddy loves you. God loves you.

As long as you've got all that love to lift you up, you'll be doing fine.

Love,

Mama

The Pink/Blue Permanence

I don't get to be sneaky all that often. And with our journey of having another child, there weren't lots of ways to surprise anyone, especially ourselves. It's all numbers, labs and the waiting-for-what-seems-an-eternity game.

We told a few people that we'd be finding out the genders of the babies soon, and in fact the date scheduled with the doctor's office was this Friday -- Miles' sixth birthday. It was all very sentimental and sweet, but then last week I found out that Miles was off school today, so I called our doctor's nurse to see if there was any way of moving us up. And there was a cancellation! Here was one of my few chances to be sneaky.

So this afternoon Casey, Miles and I got to find out the big news. It was fun and sweet, and Miles kept rubbing my hand and smiling at me. We're not sharing names just yet, so if you've heard anything about names from us in the past...zip it! And as before, we thought we'd let Miles make the announcement:

Edited later to add this: Casey suggested I make the title for the post something that sounded like a 'Big Bang Theory' episode title...which led me to the thesaurus to find synonyms for the word 'fact'. I just thought my readers might enjoy that extra tidbit of information. That is, if you're strange like me.

Another edit: If you can't watch the video, it's just Miles saying, "We're having one boy and one girl!" In the first take I think he said 'one boy and two girls,' after which I said 'Cut!'

Springtime & Babies Update

Today is so many things. It is one of my niece's birthdays, one of my uncle's birthdays...and of course, it is the first day of Spring. I can't help but hear Lola (of 'Charlie and Lola') in my head singing with her little friend Lotta: "Spring is here, Spring is here! Spring is -- Spring is -- Spring is here at last!"

My body has been waiting for this season. It doesn't like the cold weather, no matter how much I try. I will play in the snow and the leaves, but I don't ever fully embrace or welcome those days like I do the ones that bring green and flowers and sunshine.

My heart has been waiting for a different kind of Spring. Casey and I have talked many times about our 'winter' of grief, all that we went through as we were clinging to God and each other. And so it is a very happy coincidence that my physical and emotional springtimes are meeting up. I smile thinking about how amazing and creative our God can be.

I won't ramble on, but I thought I'd give a quick update on the babies, plus some pictures. This is partly because I know so many who have been through all of this craziness with us and prayed for us can't see me on a regular basis -- this post's for you, so I hope you're feeling that special warm fuzziness right about now!

Oh, wait...back up on the warm fuzzies, because first I'm going to show a photo of my last progesterone shot. For those of you still wondering if the in vitro decision is ever made on a whim, think again:

'Ouch' is the word you're looking for

That there is a 1-1/2" IM (intramuscular) needle with 2 cc's of PIO (progesterone in oil). Yes...in oil. We're talking sloooooooow-moving stuff. With in vitro, you have to have these once a day (switching hips helps, but not much) until you find out if the cycle worked or not. If it didn't, you stop the injections. I wish that they stopped with a positive test as well, but no. I started getting these shots on January 4, we found out we were pregnant on January 19...and my last progesterone shot was last week on March 14. That is 61 progesterone shots. I had lots of help from my RN friend Monica, but upon realizing we'd be doing this for eight more weeks, Casey and I decided we'd try it on our own. It wasn't easy by any means, but once you've done everything we have for these babies, it's just a matter of counting to three and breathing.

Okay, here's something that's a little easier to see (I hope!). I need to commit to the same outfit and/or same photo spot, but I'll get there.

Why do I look so different, just one week apart? I think that's because it's daytime in one and nighttime in the other, so the flash on the camera makes a difference. But if you're wondering if my belly actually grew in that week...it did. At this point in my pregnancy with Miles, there was no belly yet. I knew I'd show earlier this time, being that it was my second pregnancy, but last week when my OB informed me that I could be the size of a full-term pregnancy at 24 weeks...all I could think was 'I have a LOT of growing to do!' But I'm still feeling good, and being that I'm right on the edge of my second trimester I am very excited to get some energy back.

And now for pictures of the babies. Not everyone can say they have a photo of their kids at five days past fertilization, but we can! And no, smarty-pants, I don't know which is which.

Five-day blastocysts

Six weeks (first time we saw heartbeats)

Eight weeks

Ten weeks (they were moving around the whole time!)

Twelve weeks -- last Thursday (first OB appointment)

You might notice they switched which was A and which was B from the pictures before.

I love that they are lying feet to feet...they were so relaxed, just kind of hanging out.

Baby A says hi!

Heartbeats: Baby A was 165 and Baby B was 169

Both babies measured 12 weeks 1 day!

And for the finale, I saved a picture I took the other day. If this doesn't say springtime, nothing does. Casey decided to coach Miles' team this year (go Rockies!), so they were outside getting some swinging, catching and throwing practice in before the season starts.

 Just over three weeks before my first baby is six years old...I am so not ready.

Bath Time: Overheard Conversation

Miles: "Somethin' is stinky in here!"

Casey: "Must be you!"

Miles (laughter): "Correct!"

Thank You, God, For These Blessings!

So here it is, a day I thought might never come. Even though we've known for about four weeks, Casey and I are still catching ourselves smiling at each other and realizing that this is real. We are so blessed to be adding to our little family this fall...two precious babies. Our Miles will get to be a big brother twice over.

The short of it, in case there are questions: Yes, this was the result of an in vitro cycle. They are fraternal (unidentical) twins, meaning they could be any combination: boy/girl, boy/boy, or girl/girl. We won't know that for quite a bit longer, but we do plan on finding out before they're here!

I'm only one day past eight weeks today, so it's still early. We found out three weeks ago that there were two, but there wasn't much to see yet. A week after that we could see their hearts beating, and yesterday we saw them again and it was just as much if not more glorious than the first time. The fatigue started hitting me at least two weeks ago and is increasing by the day it seems, and I think the morning (or all-day) sickness is working its way in.

I'm ready to take whatever comes our way -- this is what I've been asking God for all along! All the pains, the hormones, the crazy ups and downs of emotions...they are a blessing that I gladly bear. I have imagined sharing this kind of news for nearly four years. God has grown me in such unique and unexpected ways during that time. I still hurt a bit for that Tracey and maybe will for a little while more. But from where I'm standing now, it was all worth the wait. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'll end with a fun video we made last night when we told our Thursday night 'The Office' students. I wish more could have been there but it was a great time anyway. We had told them we were taking a group picture to give to someone, but they didn't know I was actually taking video the whole time to capture their reactions...which they delivered nicely.

Moments

Some years will be better than others. Some days will shine brighter than others. And some moments will grab your heart and remind you that yes, life can be so purely sweet and precious so you'd better just hold on and be thankful when they come.

There are some nights when I say goodnight to Miles and close his door that I find myself walking right back in to hold him again. I'll always want one more hug or kiss, one more beautiful smile from that boy, but some nights I truly feel the need to go back just one more time.

Last night I had kissed and hugged him, laughed with him, said goodnight and closed the door. I walked back to my room and sat on the bed, preparing to write in a journal. I didn't even have the chance to get comfortable when I heard a door open and little feet making their way towards me. This will occasionally happen -- Miles will want a drink of water or something -- but not immediately after we've said goodnight.

"What do you need, baby?" I asked as he walked over to me. He said nothing...just held out his little arms to give me a hug. One more hug. It's no wonder to me when I go back to him, but for this perfect five-year-old soul to come back to me means everything.

I picked him up and carried him back to his room, hugging and kissing him the whole way and thanking him for the extra love. I was standing by his bed, swaying and holding him just a little longer. With his head on my shoulder he said softly, "I love you one hundred Valentines."

Moments. Fast and fleeting. Glimpses of heaven. Hold on tight.

Goodbye '11, Hello '12

So much happened this year...so many changes and adjustments, joy and sorrow mixed together. I won't go over all of it again, but I thought I'd share some of my favorite Miles quotes from 2011, plus share a few pictures we took today. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and the three of us spent it together: taking the van through the car wash (Miles' first time, he loved it), going to the park, eating out, then Wii bowling and end-of-the-year photos. That's become a sort of tradition, I think it started when Miles was two.

Miles going through his first car wash

Last family photo of 2011

MY FAVORITE MILES QUOTES OF 2011

Me: "Do you know why I love you so much?" Miles (rubbing my back): "Because you're graceful." 

Casey: "Miles, are you going to change the world?" Miles (pausing and thinking): "I am going to change the world, yes!"

Miles, getting his nightly 'kiss attack' from Mama and Daddy: "Man, these kids really like me."

Miles, yesterday to me on the phone: "I love you with a heart."

Me: "Stop moving your legs, it's driving me crazy." Miles: "But they want to talk!"

Miles, after being reprimanded by his mama: "You know you still love me."

Me: "Miles, what to you want to be when you get older?" Miles: "Five." Me: "But what do you want to do?" Miles: "Help Daddy; work with him."

Miles, talking to his Mama (who feels very blessed): "You are so nice. And you are love."

Miles decided to bring his Winnie the Pooh bear in the van when I went for a latte, because 'Pooh-Bear likes to go on adventures.'

Miles wasn't happy with me this morning and told me, "You aren't being very 'buddy' nice."

Miles, after falling down and showing Casey the bump he got: "That very hurts."

I was holding Miles high up in the air and he said, "Don't drop me on the face!"

Me: "Miles, you didn't get a haircut?" Miles: "No, but it's okay. It's very perfect."

Miles saying goodnight to Oz the cat: "Happy daydreams!"

Miles sneezed on the iPod and said, "I just 'blessed you' all over it!"

Miles, standing by the bathroom scale: "Mama, let me see how weigh you are!"

Miles: "Mama, look what I lost for hundred of years...this flashlight!"

Miles to Casey: "You talked right into my eye!" I hate it when that happens.

Miles: "You are the champion girl star." Me: "Really? That's awesome!" Miles: "I don't know how I figured that out!"

Case and Miles were outside and passed by one of our yellow roses. Miles told Casey, "In my heart, I want to give that to Mama." And he did.

HAVE A HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR!

A New Name

Last week I downloaded a free app called 'Child's Prayer' in order to make bedtime traditions with Miles more special. What I like about this app is that it not only gives a Bible verse for that day, but you flip the card over and there is a question so that you and your child can engage in simple discussion as well.

Tuesday night's verse was Isaiah 9:6..."He will be called, 'Wonderful Counselor,' 'Mighty God,' 'Eternal Father,' 'Prince of Peace.'" Miles touched the screen to flip over the card and the question was, 'Which names would you call Jesus by?' My thinking was that Miles would choose one of the names he had just heard. But oh...that little boy surprises me so many times.

"King of the Life!" was his confident answer, and it almost took my breath away. I mean, how many names are there written for Jesus in the Bible? And yet this was one I had not heard. He wanted to know our answers too, and we gave them, although I personally could have been happy closing the evening with the answer Miles had given.

Thank you, King of the Life, for the unblemished heart of my sweet little boy.

Playing Catch-Up

Click here to vote for my photo of Miles for Shutterfly's Family Photo Days Holiday Photo Contest! If you don't want to vote, it's cool...just go look at the photo, it's still fun to see!

Side note: Sorry I have not been blogging lately. Catching up with life, tapering off anti-depressants, and there are more holiday things to be working on than I can think of at the moment. Tonight, the three of us will be trimming the tree while eating cookies and M&M's, listening to holiday music and wrapping presents. I'm sure a game of Chutes and Ladders or Wii something-or-other will make its way into the mix.

Oh, there goes the dryer! Back to domesticity. I did manage a workout, something I've been really getting into these days. My body is not happy with me, but too bad. The feeling has been mutual. Hope you're all having a blessed Saturday!

Good. Grief.

When I used to hear the word 'grief,' my immediate thoughts were of someone having lost a person close to them. It meant someone had died, and it was not a word I wanted to know personally. There was also the 'Oh, good grief, Charlie Brown!' thing...but never before would I put 'good' and 'grief' together in a serious way. And I always assumed that grieving was something that happened to someone after something very bad had happened. I didn't see it as a process that one partakes in, that one must partake in at times in their life in order to move forward. I also used to assume that grief was linear, but no longer.

I was ignorant about grief years ago. My life wasn't easy, but it wasn't hard. And then in February 2001 I started going to the doctor for unexplained symptoms, and this went on until he diagnosed me with an auto-immune disorder more than a year later. Four days before my wedding. Casey and I thought, 'Well, if we can get through all of that hospital craziness (one week) and this diagnosis...we can get through anything!' I thought this was my grief. My valley.

Miles was born in April 2006. I was finally rid of the hospital on July 19. Celebration. Recovery. I thought I was moving on. It wasn't until September, when Miles was five months old, that I began to realize all that I had missed in his life. I remember breaking down in the shower one evening, sobbing uncontrollably because I hadn't been able to celebrate my first Mother's Day, hadn't carried him home for the first time, hadn't been able to breastfeed like I'd wanted, hadn't even taken one picture of him until he was four months old. I had dreamed of taking photos of him as a tiny, newborn baby. I had missed that.

Still ignorant about how my grief was working and how I had to be a part of it instead of just waiting for it to 'happen,' I thought that with full physical recovery would come full emotional healing. But the joy I felt after my final surgery in July 2007 was short-lived. Grief was upon me again, and I was just starting to get it. No one had warned me that the emotional pain can long outlive the physical pain. I thought that kind of pain only came with 'real' loss. I was still just beginning to grasp how much I'd lost, and I didn't even know the half of it until we started trying to have another baby in March 2008.

Fast forward to the present day. Grief is not linear. There can be ten steps forward and one hundred steps back. There can be two steps up and four steps down. There can be a valley after a valley -- it's not always valley-mountain-valley-mountain. Your pain is your pain, and it can be a lonely place if you let it -- sometimes even if you don't.

I have handled my grief in both good and bad ways. I don't know that anyone handles it perfectly. It frustrates me greatly sometimes that I can't press a pause button on life so I can have time to grieve and then be caught up with everyone else. I am almost always 'stuck' behind and I don't know that I will ever be able to catch up, but I am learning to accept that.

One thing I've learned, sometimes grudgingly, is that I will never be the exact same person I used to be. Life looks different to me now, but I believe that there are better parts of me that might not have been if I hadn't gone through what I did. And my joys...they are sweeter and dearer because of my sorrows. My pain is deep, but I hold the tiniest moments close to my heart. I don't think I would have done that had things been easier.

I write about all of this because of something that sounds extremely simple, but for me has been a thing of dread. And instead of continuing to avoid it, I decided to walk through my pain because I knew that there would be a bit of healing on the other side. Grief is not a friend of mine, but lately I'm seeing that I have to sit with it in order to heal. There is no other way. I could try to avoid it my entire life, but what kind of life would that be? I am tired of pain, and I know I will grieve certain things until I die, but the deep sadness is something I must be with so that I can move on.

Now, the simple thing I mentioned? I have recently decided to go through every bit of Miles' clothing since he was born in order to sell what I can at consignment next month. That's five years of my little boy's clothes. There were many pieces I set aside, unable to part with them either right now or ever. Ask me about that again next year. But that still left a lot of clothes that have to be washed, sorted, priced and tagged. Today I began washing the clothes and hanging them up until I can price them. But before washing them, I would inspect each piece of clothing to see if they had any kind of stain that needed treating.

I knew it would be tough. It had been emotional just going through them the first time. But today, holding up each onesie or tiny shirt or pair of pants, I felt my anxiety building. And building. And by the time I had started the first load of laundry, my heart was racing and I was finding it hard to breathe. There I stood in the laundry room, crying and asking God to be with me. When I recounted all of this to Casey later on, I cried even more, and as I sit here typing I am still not finished with washing those many tiny clothes.

But guess what? As painful as it has been, and as many memories as it has brought up (both good and bad), I have decided to let grief in my door today...and though I am not at the end of it, I have at least moved in a positive direction. Let's face it: when we're in the middle of it, grief is not where we want to be, right? But if we figure out that there is something good on the other side and we can walk through it, life doesn't seem as scary anymore. At least not to me.

That is good grief.

For a Most Awesome Nephew

Fifteen years ago today, my nephew Kaleb was born. I had the privilege of holding him when he was just one hour old. He was one of the sweetest and cutest babies I had ever seen, and being an aunt for the first time was so special to me. When he started talking, I was 'Shay-Shee,' and I loved to make him laugh. Now he is in high school and almost taller than me! I'm so proud of him in all that he does. Happy 15th Birthday, Kaleb!

Love,

Aunt Tracey

What do you expect? He was only born in 2006!

Less than two days after I'd posted this YouTube video featuring comedian Louis CK on Conan, Miles gave a perfect example of how far we've come technologically in such a short time -- and how kids today are completely unaware of it. Thankfully my example is not one of him complaining, but rather...well, just keep reading.

Tonight we were doing a 'family game night' of sorts, something we need to do more often but haven't lately. After dinner Casey suggested we play 'Go Fish' and Miles was beyond excited when I agreed to play with them. Our family game night usually tends to be spent playing a Wii game, like super-strike bowling. But Miles enjoys the card games just as much -- I think for him it's about all of us doing something together.

I think we were just into our second game and it was Miles' turn. Suddenly he stood up and began running toward the bathroom, but stopped to yell back at us, "Pause the game!" and kept going. As Casey mimicked pointing a remote at our pile of cards, I threw my head back and laughed. Miles soon made his way back to the living room, laughing along with me as he had realized what he'd said.

Without getting too deep here, that was one of those moments where I wanted to ask if I could press the pause button and make it last a little longer.

Best Homework Ever

Last night Miles had his first homework assignment, which involved working on the letter E, matching rhyming words, writing his name and the number 3. Casey and I sat and watched as he held his pencil and that little face showed such concentration. It was all too adorable for me, and I couldn't help but kiss his cheek as he worked. Each time he'd finish one task on the paper, he would turn my way and look for the praise and encouragement he needs when learning something new. At one point though, Miles stopped his work to smile at me. He tapped his chin in thought and said, "Mom, I think you're going to be so proud." At this I burst out laughing, then hugged and kissed him and told him he was right -- I would be so proud of him forever and ever.

Heart Stickers

Nearly one week ago, my blog turned seven years old. Seven! Back then, I think it was sometimes called a 'weblog.' Yikes. Sounds like the dark ages, huh?

While I'm thankful for this outlet for my creative writing and a way to connect to a lot of fascinating people (and lifelong blog friends!), I am thankful for much, more more. Of course I am talking about Casey and Miles. Being the only girl in the house -- unless you count Junebug the cat -- I get to feel pretty special most of the time. But my two boys are so much sweeter than anything I could deserve. I'll give you an example.

For the past several days I've been struggling with a slight cold, but worse than that is the ear infection along with it. My ear aches most in the mornings and evenings, and it's become frustrating (especially with the difficulty of hearing). So I'm sniffling, coughing, aching...all the usual that comes along with a cold. Not feeling great, obviously, so I was resting my head for just a bit before fixing dinner this evening.

I walked into the kitchen, and the first thing Miles said was, "Mama...we have something for you!" and I could see a white folded 'thank you' card in his hand. I'm not sure whose idea it was to give me a card -- it could have been either one of them -- but it didn't matter. I opened it up to find the inside covered with little heart stickers and Casey's handwriting. Miles had asked him to write these words:

Dear Mama,

We'll give you two hearts. Love you Mama. We kiss and hug you forever and ever.

I don't know about you...but my heart was pretty much filled from the beginning of that note. In that moment there were no colds, no earaches, no sniffles that could contend with such love. I went on to cook a meal for my family without complaint after that.

Does my ear still hurt? Yes. Do I still feel achy? Sure. When I glance over and look at that heart-filled card, does it really matter? No way.

Thank you, God. Thank you for two of the best blessings you have ever given me, and ones that I deserved the least. Thank you for Casey and Miles.

Oz, Censored

I apologize for the uncouthness of this photo. But just to let you know, I did alter it a bit. That's really a no-no for the photo purists, but I was afraid I might alienate some of you. Not really...but the un-altered version did take away some of the cute factor of Oz (or 'Ozzy-Bear' as he is known in our house).

When I look at this photo, it just makes me smile. This little guy, who we adopted back in October, is nearly one year old and is one of the funniest cats I've known. It's no joke that animals have different personalities. Junebug, our nearly-eight-year-old cat, is grumpy and likely to snap if she is in one of her moods. Oz, on the other hand (or paw?), needs love and attention almost constantly. He is playful and cracks me up in the way he pounces on simple things like door shadows. Oz has been a fun little addition to our family.