Wednesday, July 15, 2009

New Chapter, New Name

You may have noticed the new blog name and the scripture from Isaiah. I am officially changing the name of my blog to Beauty For Ashes -- although it's tough, because it has been Trace Talks for nearly five years. The address will, of course, remain the same.


Why that verse, why now? Some might think that this indicates that I have already been given 'beauty for ashes' -- and I have in some ways. But in the case of our current situation, we have not seen a resolution as we would have hoped just yet. Thursday was a dark day for us. To be told that you cannot have any more children without the help of a fertility doctor is so difficult to hear. And we're not even guaranteed that, at the end of our time with that doctor, we will even have a baby. There is never a 'one hundred percent' in the in vitro world, just as there isn't in natural conception. The one big difference is money.


Not sure why, but I feel the need to explain why this news is so very difficult for me to handle. If I had received this news all by itself, I think I might actually bounce back more quickly. Of course I don't know that for sure, but I do know myself pretty well. The fact of the matter is, each time I've received some kind of bad medical news in the past few years, I tend to emotionally re-live everything since April 2006. Because really, it all stems from that one single moment in time when my appendix just couldn't hold on any longer. The appendix is the reason for the long hospital stay, the months and months of recovery time, the loss of time with my baby, the many procedures and operations...and now the inability to get pregnant on our own. I think it took me a while to figure out why each new thing was so hard for me to digest, but now I find myself quickly recognizing it. Not that it makes it any easier -- like I said, Thursday was a dark day.


For me, though, re-naming the blog feels like an outward echo of my faith. I know that God will redeem this situation. What will that look like? I have no idea. Casey and I may never have another child, Miles may never have a sibling. But I believe there is so much that God sees that I don't, and he's not one to reveal everything at once. It's amazing and yet I do find myself frustrated. But would I really like to know what's around every corner? I don't think so. God must know that I couldn't handle that -- none of us could.


So here we go, off on yet another new journey, one filled with uncertainty and yes, hope. I don't know what is to come. What I do know is that God is here with me, always, and he knows what beauty will come from these ashes.


Update 2/28/12: If you have been following the blog lately, you will see that we are now expecting twins this year, praise God! By no means are these babies the means to my emotional healing from what's happened over the past almost-six years...but they are a great blessing from God and we glorify His name in all that we do.

8 comments:

Robin said...

Tracey, thank you for sharing this experience and your blog with us. Though under different circumstances, I also received the news several years ago that my husband and I may never be able to have children. We lost 2 babies before this news came and it was nearly unbearable. Through the grace of God and the help of a fertility specialist, our dreams have, indeed, come true. We did not have to go through in vitro, and as far as we can tell, the reasons for our previous losses is in the past, and we will soon deliver our third precious child. As you have mentioned, you do not yet understand why this trial has come into your life, but reading about the feelings you are going through right now causes me to remember my own experiences and, most importantly, causes my heart to fill with a renewed feeling of gratitude for the blessing of being a mother, both to my angels in heaven and to the beautiful children that came after the ashes. I love the title of your blog and think it speaks of the deep faith that you do have, and I wish you all the best in facing the journey that God has chosen for you. He never said it would be easy; He only said it would be worth it.

tracey said...

Wow, Robin...thank you for sharing! I am so touched by your words and hearing your own experience. I can't imagine the pain of what you've gone through. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Lori said...

I love the new name of your blog & the reason for it. The scripture that goes with it really reminds us that we will have a times of "sitting in the ashes" during our lives. God's promise of joy & celebration is a strong promise to cling to during these rough times. I sorrow for you & your family and pray that the rejoicing comes sooner rather than later.
I was only able to have Evan, as I had a hysterectomy when he was 4 because of endometriosis. We had no money to adopt. Since I'm an only child I sorrowed for a long time over the loss of siblings for our family. Thankfully God has given us amazing sons & daughters in the Spirit to fill that gap in our lives. God always has a plan!
Prayer for you will continue from our home, just like it has these last few years. Don't forget to make time to "lie down in green pastures" so that God can restore your soul. Hugs to you.

tracey said...

Lori ~ My sweet 'blog friend'...you always have such uplifting words. I do think about you at times, what you had to go through and how you've triumphed with God's help. Thanks for reminding me of the other ways he blesses us, ways we didn't see ourselves until he showed them to us! Thanks for the prayers, as always.

Katrina said...

I think that you have an excelent reason for the renaming of your blog. God will not give us more than we can handle. Remember that everything happens for the glory of God, even if we may not be able to see that immediately! I will be praying for you!

tracey said...

Katrina ~ Thank you so much for visiting and commenting! I went to your blog for just a minute and you have such beautiful girls! Thanks for sharing and for the wonderful encouragement, and always for the prayers!! : )

Karen said...

Tracey, thank you for your comments on my blog! I clicked over to yours and have to say it gave me goosebumps because "Beauty for Ashes" is what I have tattooed on my wrist in Hebrew. I look forward to exploring your blog more!!

Karen

tracey said...

Karen, WOW! I would love to see that tattoo...and would you believe that I told my husband that if our last (which was our fifth) in vitro round hadn't worked out, I was either going to shave my head or get a tattoo, and it was going to be the flower from my blog header with 'beauty for ashes' running down the stem. Thanks so much for visiting and leaving a comment!

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