Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Praying for the best...

I'm much too emotional these days. What I mean by that is that I cry much more easily than I used to. I've blamed that on lots of things, but I think when it comes down to it, this has just been one long road (is three years a long time?) of physical and emotional struggles. I still have more joy than pain, and I thank God for that. Joy and sorrow can exist side by side, but it is a strange thing.

Two days from now Casey and I will know where we stand with all of this fertility stuff. Here's the skinny on how all of this has gone down, in case you're only just joining us: my appendix rupture in April 2006 blocked my fallopian tubes, which we didn't discover until last November after trying for about nine months to get pregnant again. Surgery in December re-opened the left tube and we've been trying since then for a baby but have yet to be successful. This made me wonder if the tube is blocked again, so I am having another HSG test on Thursday morning.

If a tube is kind of...I don't know, 'clogged' or something, this test can sometimes clear it out, giving you a really good few months of being more fertile than usual. This is the outcome we are hoping for. But there may just be too many adhesions or scar tissue going on in there, and in that case the dye won't get through. It's going to be one way or the other -- clear or blocked -- and we will know right away.

Casey and I have talked about being prepared for the news that the tube is blocked. This time, unlike when I had the test in November, there will be no procedure to open the tube again. Our chances of conceiving a baby without the aid of fertility treatment will be over. This news...this is what I dread but must prepare for. I can tell you that I cried for two days after that first HSG test, so I really don't know what will happen this time. I will need to grieve and mourn, otherwise I can't fully move on. I know in my head that life in general will be okay, but my heart will need time to catch up.

In vitro fertilization would be our next step, and it all sounds easy until you start looking at how much it costs and the fact that our insurance won't cover one cent of it because it is not a 'medical necessity.' I get that, but I sure don't like it. I think the hardest part is that we could go through all of this, figure out some kind of financing, and then not even get pregnant. We basically have one shot and that's it.

It sounds like I'm getting ahead of myself before I even know the results of Thursday's test. But I can't let myself walk in there not being somewhat prepared. My heart can only handle so much, and so I need to tell myself that yes, this is what I hope, but this could also happen. I have pictured both scenarios in my mind. I didn't do that last time because I never thought I'd go in and hear the news that my tubes were both blocked, one beyond repair. It was a big shock.

I do hope that I have not come across as someone who doesn't appreciate what she has. Because I know that I have an incredible husband who has gone through it all with me, and I have a beautiful little boy who makes me smile every single day. How could I not feel blessed? But I always imagined myself having several children, and so it hurts my heart to think that might never happen.

I will do my best to update, but it may not be the day of the test. I would appreciate any prayers on our behalf, that Thursday's test will go well and that we will receive the best news possible.

4 comments:

Lori said...

Tracey, I am so sorry you & Casey have to go thru this dark valley. We will be lifting you up in prayer. I'm glad you are preparing your heart as best you can for whatever the outcome is. As you walk into that room for the test remember that Jesus is right there with you and surrounding you with his love. Hugs to you from Missouri.

Sally-Anne said...

Fingers crossed for you!

If you do go the IVF route, I wonder if you have a place near you that does a shared-risk refund program. We have at least one near us where, basically, you get a few tries and if you don't get pregnant, you get your money back, at least to some extent. Might be worth looking into. Although obviously I hope it doesn't have to come to that!

tracey said...

Lori ~ Thank you so much! Warms my heart to hear things like this.

Sally-Anne ~ I have read about the shared risk program. I've actually found something that might be more right for us, although I'm not ruling the other out completely. Thanks so much!

Sarah said...

Oh Tracey...

:'(

I will be praying tomorrow. Glad I caught your FB update tonight.

Wish I could give you a huge hug.

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