Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Am Woman, Hear Me...Talk About Stuff

So, I talked with my doctor the other day. I guess with it being six months after my last surgery and still no pregnancy to speak of, I was trying to find out what we should be doing next, if anything. Not that nothing has been done in the meantime -- I've been taking Clomid since February -- but counting the fact that we thought we had a shot at getting pregnant last year, it's now been fifteen months of trying and no succeeding.

Those of you who know, I don't need to tell you how tough all of this can be emotionally. It is a definite roller coaster ride of hope, anxiety, frustration, anger and sadness. And yet...for some reason we keep trying even though there is a good chance that a couple of weeks later there will be no happy baby news. The toughest part for me has been dealing with the fact that none of this was even an issue until my appendix ruptured. Coming to terms with 'what is now' rather than 'what should have been' is sometimes a long road indeed.

Back to the talk I had with the doctor. He did the surgery six months ago, he cleared the left tube to give us another chance. I wanted to know, really, how good was that tube looking six months ago? I guess I wanted to hear him say one way or the other, 'It's really no good,' or 'I still give you good odds.' He did neither, but he did answer all of my questions and seemed sympathetic enough.

What he told me was that after this month I need to take a break from the Clomid (side effect and risk stuff) for at least a month. Then I can either get another HSG test to find out if the left tube has become blocked again or just keep trying as we've been. What's most likely is that I'll have the test done. I need to know, as much as I dread hearing that the tube might be blocked after all that had to happen to re-open it back in December.

If the tube is blocked, what then? Well, that's when Casey and I move on to Phase II: in vitro fertilization. At this point I still don't like thinking about it. And I know some may not understand this, because it's what can help us get pregnant but again, this is not how it was supposed to be. 'But the end result is a baby, isn't that good enough?' I'm not saying I wouldn't be absolutely thrilled if we went the IVF route and I got pregnant that way. But first of all, going through IVF doesn't guarantee there will even be a baby, and second, it is the kind of expensive that makes me cringe -- and insurance doesn't cover it. Also...if you don't know a whole lot about IVF, read up on it just a bit. There is an enormous amount of preparation/drugs/tests that take place before you even get to the procedure. It's not a couple of visits to the doctor, that's for sure.

So there you have it. That's where we are right now in all of this. Is it not crazy how much women will go through to have a baby? Sometimes I think it is crazy...but then I think, 'But it's a baby, it's an entire human being that's a part of you,' and I'm right back to longing to add to my family and will go to any lengths (you read about the surgery, right?) to do that.

It's not over yet though. I'll hold out hope until it's over.


Sally-Anne said...

I will keep you guys in my thoughts and wishes that it all works out for the best. I know IVF is tough, but I also know several people who've been successful with it when nothing else was working, and I KNOW they don't regret it. Keep your chin up!

Jolene said...

I'm so sorry that this is such a painful, long road, Tracey. :( I wish I had the power to make it all better.

God is a miracle-worker, so continue putting your hope in Him, sweet sister.


tracey said...

Thanks Sally-Anne, I appreciate it very much. :)

Jolene ~ You're so sweet, thank you!

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