Sunday, November 30, 2008

Hopeful

It has been a long nine months. I've written plenty of blog posts between March 1 and today -- about 70 of them, give or take -- but the one topic that has been prominent in my mind has been the one that I thought best not to blog about. Until now. Because things have changed.

Since March of this year, Casey and I have been trying to add to our little family of three, trying to give Miles a little playmate and -- let's face it -- bring another cute kid into the world. (I had to get that in there somewhere.) Month after month has gone by, with myself becoming more disappointed and wondering why in the world this was not happening for us. After all, we'd had one baby already, so we knew this was a possibility!

I'll try and skip ahead here...anyway, after eight months of trying but not succeeding, I was not only frustrated, I was having a very difficult time trying to act like things were hunky-dory after each disappointment. I did let a few people in on what was going on, but I just didn't want to advertise. I was wanting to share good news, after all! I thought to myself, 'Surely by the holidays we'll get to tell everyone that a baby will be here next spring...' and all of that. I truly thought that's how it would be. But life has many surprises, and a lot of things do not go the way we think they will go (my now-absent appendix and gallbladder could attest to that!).

I decided to see my doctor on November 17, less than two weeks ago. He assured me that things seemed to be working the way they should, but that the infection from my appendix rupture more than two years ago very well could have affected something, possibly my fallopian tubes. He told me about the HSG test, which is where dye is injected into the uterus and fallopian tubes to check for blockage and other abnormalities. I signed up for the test and had it done two days later, on November 19.

Well folks, I can now say that I do not like the HSG test. Helpful as it can be, it is not a friendly procedure by far. I'll leave it at that...really. It hurts. And I was honestly thinking that I would sit up to look at the x-rays taken when the dye was injected and be told something like, 'Well, the tubes were blocked, but the dye has cleared them out..." Something like that. I was not prepared to hear the truth, which was that one of my fallopian tubes is completely blocked -- something my doctor says cannot be fixed -- and that the other one is partially blocked. The dye could be seen going in partway and then stopping before it spills out the other side.

I was trying to take it all in, trying not to cry. My doctor was telling me that he could perform a laparoscopy on the partially blocked tube, which would give us a 50-60% chance of getting pregnant. Beyond that, our next chance would be IVF (in vitro fertilization) -- something that costs a bundle and is not covered by insurance. He might as well have told me that I'm going to need to hand over one leg and possibly and arm. IVF is not a simple choice for us.

If I'd had things my way, the surgery would have been done two days after the HSG test...but I couldn't be fit into the surgery schedule, and unfortunately Casey and I left town a couple of days after that to visit family for the holiday. We just arrived back this afternoon, and in less than eight hours I will be sitting in the outpatient waiting room at the hospital, getting ready to be prepped for surgery and most likely feeling on the jittery side. It's a normal reaction for me -- I've had about five substantial procedures/operations in the past two-and-a-half years, and that doesn't include the many, many tests and CAT scans. So...it's kind of automatic for me to feel a particular way before surgery, no matter how important it may be. My mind and my heart say, 'Woohoo! We're gonna get the tube fixed so there can be another baby!' while my body is saying, 'What in the world are we doing here again? More scars? More anesthesia?!? Get out -- NOW!!!'

This is what I've been desperately wanting to share with everyone for months on end now: I have had baby-fever (sounds a little silly, I know) since late last year, and every time I have begun typing a blog post I have wanted to share all of my hopes and laments. Mostly, I just wanted to keep it a private thing, but I also like this blog to be one of light anecdotes and humor. In short, I don't like bumming people out, especially those who take the time to actually read what I'm writing. But now...now things are different, and I want to invite you on this journey, this new struggle that hopefully holds a triumphant ending.

And trust me, you'll be some of the first to know if that happens...after Casey and my mom, of course.

7 comments:

Elisa said...

Oh Tracey! I hope hope hope all goes well for you today! Prayers being sent your way for a successful and safe surgery!

Sally-Anne said...

I'd had a hunch for a while now that you would be telling us of a new Coston on the way soon, so this explains the delay (and verifies that I wasn't crazy for intuiting your baby fever) ...I hope it all goes well and that you'll be sharing good news soon! Good luck!

Jacqueline Hudson said...

my prayers are with you and please let us know. Love ya Tracey!

Ruthie said...

praying for things to go well.
love ya
ruthie

Lori said...

Hi Tracey,

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. We'll be praying for you & Casey. I'm glad God gave us doctors for times like this!

Hugs from this corner of the world,

Lori

tracey said...

Thanks so much, to all of you, for the well wishes, thoughts and prayers. I'll definitely keep you updated! =)

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness, Tracey! I've kinda been away from blogland for awhile, and only just now read this! Thank you for sharing, and will look forward to hearing more! Praying for you. (((hugs)))

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