Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Letter to My (Removed) Appendix

Dear Appendix,

You may be wondering why I am even writing a letter to you. I've never addressed you personally (or any of my other organs, for that matter) and I had you permanently evicted from your residence -- the lower right quadrant of my abdomen -- more than three years ago. So yeah, I can see where you might be confused.

Basically, it's this: I've wasted time being mad at circumstances (and sometimes doctors) for how sick I became after you ruptured when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my baby boy...for the first months of his life that I missed and will never get back...for a wound my body tried to heal for 15 months and couldn't...for physical and emotional pain I never want to experience ever again...you get the picture.

Should I thank you for anything? In a word, no. Any credit for the good that has come out of all of this (and there are days when I have to make myself think of that good) goes to God, because he somehow takes the bad and creates good things from it. And not that you're going to pick up and read a Bible anytime soon, Appendix, but that's found in Romans 8:28.

Now don't go thinking you're off the hook just because I said that good things came out of this. Pain is pain is pain, and there are times when I can do nothing about it. Just have to keep my head up and roll on through -- either that or put my head down and have a good cry. Depends on where I'm at in all of this.

You see, Appendix, I was beginning to deal pretty well with what had happened back in April 2006 (and as with anyone's life that is forever changed by one event, mine is now divided into two categories: 'Before 2006' and 'After 2006'). Last year was looking clearer and brighter than it had in a long while, that was until I found out that all the infection you left in your wake back then had caused problems of which I had been completely unaware until this past November. That was when I was told the news that both of my fallopian tubes were blocked -- one partially, one completely (and surprise -- that one is on the right side!) -- a huge fertility issue most likely caused by one Mr. Grumbly Appendix.

That was the day I realized that all my anger had been misdirected.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am fully aware that anger and all that comes with it are not where my head and heart need to be. But there are some days that find me feeling sad or frustrated over the fact that our lives -- mine and Casey's -- are not as they were supposed to be. There was no 'normal' in the way we spent our first year with our first child, and now thanks to you there may not ever be a second or third child. Everything was in fine working order before you took over and changed the rules of the game. We're now a couple who might, at the end of the year, have to look into some kind of fertility treatment. For that, I think, I should be allowed to feel some anger towards you a couple of days every month when I realize yet again that I am not pregnant. Allow me that, at least!

You know, I started writing this letter because I thought it would be a humorous way to vent my frustrations...but it doesn't feel so funny now. Maybe I need to let the idea of you go as much as I let the physical part of you go a month after my son was born. As much as a person can feel something toward an organ that's been removed from their body, I do hate you, Appendix. You picked a horrible time to make yourself known, and you took as much from me as you possibly could, and nearly cost me my life. But know this: My God's love and peace and joy is and always will be stronger and bigger than anything you could do to me. I may be at a low point today and having moments of wishing I could go back and change all of it, but that won't stay because I have a hope inside me that will never fail.

Sincerely (happy that you'll never be back),

Tracey

4 comments:

Jolene said...

:(

((((big hugs)))

tracey said...

Thanks Jolene. :)

Shannon Baker Richardson said...

I never heard the whole story, but now I have a better understanding of just how much you have been through. Here's a prayer sent your way!!

tracey said...

Shannon ~ Thanks so much for reading! I think this post was a way for me to vent, but also a way for people to better understand. I may be 'well' and look fine, but I still have my struggles with the emotions left behind. Long-time illness takes a toll on the heart, but not everyone can see that. Thanks again, the prayers mean so much to me!!

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