#thth (Thankful Thursday)

I haven't decided whether 'throwback Thursday' or #tbt, as it's known on Facebook, is a good thing for me. I do enjoy seeing how far back others go, and sometimes I'll find a fun little photo to share. There was a time on this blog when I made an effort to post a 'thankful Thursday' each week. Kind of sad I can barely remember doing that, much less what I posted (I'll check the labels later).

Here's why I say it might not be a good thing for me: I went through a difficult time after Miles was born and then through our infertility struggles when all I did was look back. I was extremely stuck in my past, sometimes on one specific day. For crying out loud, I wrote an angry letter to my own ruptured appendix! I was angry and hurt, partly because all I did was stay in the past.

Things are better now as far as that hurt is concerned. Moses and Maggie arrived in September 2012, amazing little miracles and more than I could ever hope for or deserve. And it was...wow. So hard.

The sleep deprivation. That was probably the worst, and I was not prepared for how bad it would feel. I did not sleep more than three hours at a time for the first four months. When Miles was born, I didn't even get to take care of him until he was nearly four months old, so this was all brand new to me. But what awesome brand-newness it was, and as each month went by I found myself desperate to slow time down -- funny how perspective changes a person, because throughout my angry and 'stuck' season of life I wanted time to speed along. Just wanted to be caught up with everyone else (whatever that means, right?).

And then 'the babies' as we call them (and I still do) were about to reach one year. I struggled with sadness mostly, wondering where those tiny little things had gone. I was looking back over my shoulder every day. I think it's a struggle many moms have. The newborn, infant and toddler phases are consumed with giving and giving and giving of yourself and of your time and emotions. Did I mention the mental part? Probably forgot that one...see what I mean? So by the time your 'baby' is nearly two, three and four years old, you will sometimes think, "wait, I want to go back again and snuggle that little one for a little while!" There is this constant pushing and pulling -- we're teaching them to learn, well, everything, and yet we are yelling "stop growing so fast!" (either inside or outside our heads, sometimes both).

When Maggie and Moses had crossed that one-year line, I realized it wasn't so bad. I could do this. And I still do struggle occasionally with the deep heartache of knowing they're nearing two in just a few months. But for my sanity, and for my emotional wellbeing, I must make the effort to live today. This hour. This moment. Put everything down and chase them through the house, listening to the squeals of delight. Play ring-around-the-rosy just one more time before saying goodnight. Read one more book. Steal one more kiss. Look straight into their eyes and see who they are.

I found this post I'd written the day before Miles was 21 months old. I can see some similarities in his personality with his brother and sister, and also some differences. In some ways he seemed so much older to me then than they do now. Possibly just a mother's view on her oldest and youngest, I'm not sure.

I've spent the morning and part of this afternoon looking at photos and coming back to type a line or two of this post, and in doing so I have realized this: I do like 'throwback Thursday' and I don't think it's such a bad thing for me. Maybe I'm thinking it would have been a bad thing for the me that used to be. I think it can only become a bad thing if we're still living in that 'throwback' rather than in today. Having said all that, I will share a #tbt of my own, from one year ago today:

Such sweethearts (and stinkers at times). I feel that ache rising up, but I can honestly say I wouldn't go back now. We are here today, with these beautiful 21-month-old kiddos, and each day brings more smiles and joy. Is each day still difficult? Well, duh. But nothing so awesome wouldn't be difficult.

Dear Maggie and Moses

Last summer I drove about two hours from home to a place of solitude. I needed solitude. Everyone does, and no one really has to go anywhere special for it, but I had felt a strong pull toward truly getting away to be with God for some time. I found a wonderful little place where I had my own tiny cottage for two nights, and Casey's full support made it possible for me to have this time away guilt-free.

While there, I spoke about twice each day with the lady who essentially ran the place. Clare is her name. I told her my very long story, going back to when Miles was born and getting to the place of grief I was currently in, the place where our dreams of more children had not been realized. I had been journaling during my solitude, and on the second day Clare suggested I write a letter in my journal to the children who had never come to be. I knew instantly that I didn't want to do that, and so it meant to me that I needed to do that. But it was going to be one of the hardest things I would write.

It just so happened that Casey and I, over the course of our four failed in vitro cycles, had each come up with a name we liked if we ever had a boy or a girl. He had a girl's name in mind, I had decided on a boy's name. We had talked about them through each cycle, dreaming that one or both of them might be ours one day. The names had come to mean so much that I decided to address my letter to these two specific children. Keep in mind that this was June of last year...we weren't even at a place of knowing if we would try in vitro ever again.

With all of that said, I feel as though tonight is the perfect time to share this letter, so here goes.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Maggie and Moses,

     I find it so very difficult to begin this letter. My fear is that I will cling to the hope of you even more, and that hope has been discarded and trampled over and over again for more than three years.

     Instead of sitting here writing a letter to children who don't exist, I should be holding you in my arms. I should be listening to your laughter as your big brother Miles is his usual, funny self. I thought that one or both of you might be here by now. None of that has come about as I dreamed...it's only been one more heartache after another.

     How do I miss a child that never was? But I do -- have seen you in my dreams, have imagined you coming home, have wondered what you would look like.

     For so long, it has felt as if you were waiting for me at the end of this long journey; it was like I could see you as that light at the end of a torturous tunnel.

     But now...now something I was sure would happen in time might never happen at all. Will I never know you? I struggle mightily to let you go.

     If you are not to be, I need God to change the desires of my heart, because I cannot do it myself. This longing seems almost more than I can bear at times.

     But oh, how you would be loved! And every day that you are not a reality makes me want to hold Miles that much closer. As much as I hope for you...well, he is here and you are not. God gave me such an amazing, beautiful boy in Miles Kendrick. I am desperate for him not to suffer because of my own grief. He is loved, he is precious, he is pure -- HE IS HERE. My love and delight need to be reserved for him, and not for a child that isn't.

     I'm sorry, Maggie and Moses. Please come if you can. But if you can't, God will take care of us. I hate to say goodbye to you, but I need to lay the dream of you at Jesus' feet. He will know what to do.

     I still want you...I do. But if my holding to the idea of you is futile, I am only doing a disservice to Casey and Miles. They need me, my heart and my nurturing. They are my boys.

     If you come someday, you will know what I mean. The love you will find in our little family is precious. It is waiting here if God's will is for you to be.

Love forever,

Mama

_________________________________________________________________________________

Even now, that is a very hard letter for me to read. I don't feel the sadness as much, but I remember it. But my sorrow was turned to joy on January 19 this year when we found out our fifth cycle was a success. And then again a week later, the joy grew as we found out we were having twins! Then came April 9, the day we learned we were having a boy and a girl...our Maggie and Moses.

Tomorrow is the end of a long chapter and the beginning of another, because our sweet little ones will arrive in this world. We only just learned that this afternoon, since Moses' growth had dropped down a bit, so the safest and best thing to do is to get them outside my body as soon as possible so he doesn't lose any more nourishment. Having carried these two miracles for 36 weeks and 6 days by the time they're born, I am so relieved to be where we are. I am so blessed. Praise God for new beginnings!

10 years...just a drop in the bucket, baby

My husband has dark, beautiful hair. I thought it was black for, I don't know, a long time until he pointed out that in the sunlight it is a rich, chestnut brown. No matter...I've always loved it, been jealous of the body it has and the fact that he never has to use any product to make it do what it should. But if you're standing close enough, you'll see that this beautiful hair of Casey's is becoming speckled with little white hairs. These were not around ten years ago when I married my 24-year-old groom. My conclusion is that mostly I put them there, what with all the hospital craziness (as I have termed it) and...maybe sometimes just being me. I guess I'll share a few with Miles and the campus ministry.

When Casey and I first fell in love, I would tell him he was 'perfect'. Ever humble, he would add, '...for you.' And yes, over the years I've realized my husband is definitely not perfect, but in fact perfect for me. I always say that my best decision ever was to accept Jesus as my Savior, and my second best was to choose Casey to be my love for life. He is my best friend, the one I want to share everything with first, the other half of my heart. I adore Miles and little Maggie and Moses, but they would not be had it not been for this precious man who I love more every day.

Ten years is a long time. But then, it's not. Casey and I have packed a lot of life experience into the past decade. We have ridden storms and I'm sure we'll ride many more. I don't think either of us planned that we would be expecting our second and third child at this point in our lives, much less at the same time! But that is part of what makes our story our story. And thank God that He is at the center of it all.

Happy First 10 Years, Case. You are definitely the most perfect man...for me. xoxo

2,190 Days...312 Weeks...6 Years

Dear Miles,

So the day has come. Wait -- the day actually came and went ten days ago. You are six years old!

When I wrote last year's post, I was in a very different frame of mind. That was a tough post to write. First, you were turning five. Such a milestone in one's life (or maybe just for the moms). Second, you were a few months away from starting school. I was so happy for you, and at the same time feeling a bit lost because I had never envisioned that you would go to kindergarten and not have a baby brother or sister at home.

It turns out that I was able to survive that first day of school, me and Daddy both, although there were some tears on the drive back home. You, on the other hand, handled it all like a pro and have learned more than I myself learned in kindergarten. So much reading and writing and math! And now that your first year of school is nearly over, I know now that we can do it all again in a few more months.

Not long after school had started, you wanted to write your name everywhere. I'm still so thankful for our friend Jen N., who had her camera on-hand for me to capture your letters scrawled in the sand. It's been my computer desktop picture ever since.

We now have so many school projects saved from just the past eight months, not to mention the awesome drawings you've made that hold a special place in a mama's heart. I know I'll have to go through and clean out some things, but others I will hold onto (or frame) and never let go.

When I write these posts, Miles, I always talk about your sense of humor. I can't help it. You are a naturally funny kid (maybe Mama and Daddy helped out a little) and I love it. More and more I have tried to capture your different expressions, and even in one 'photo session' I was calling out, "Mad! Sad! Surprised! Happy!" just to see what you would do with your little face.

Speaking of faces...yours changed in a big way recently. I am talking about the morning after your birthday, when you came and stood by our bed at 6:30 a.m. holding your very first lost tooth. You had waited patiently, wiggled it back and forth until it pretty much popped out nearly on its own. I'm glad I got the before shot a few days prior! (At some point we'll have to talk about your aversion to the flash on my camera.)

You are still my outdoors boy and you love all kinds of animals. Granted, you have moved toward a great fascination with Legos and iPhone/Wii games, but I have no doubt you'll stay connected to nature and the beauty that God shows us there.

Daddy and I are so proud of you. And I'm so proud of your daddy for the example he sets for you every day. I tell you what a great dad you have, and I know you'll appreciate how much he's done as you get older. He is sweet and kind, patient and loving...and the silliness never hurts. I love seeing the two of you together, working in the yard or wrestling in your room, or just plain snuggling on the couch having a conversation. Whether you know it or not, these are the simple things you'll hold in your heart always.

Now me and you...we have a special bond too. It's just a bit different. I have wrestled with you, sure, but I can't do that like Daddy can. We laugh together, but I know there's a special kind of silliness that daddies and sons share. But me and you, Miles, our hearts connect in a special way. I love being that safe place you run to when the nightmares come, or the one who wipes the tears from your face when you fall down. Of course Daddy can do these things too, but I have a feeling that having me hold you close and giving you comfort is a little different -- I remember that with Granmom when I was a little girl.

There is a love that is so sweet between us, a love so pure. You and I went on a 'Mother/Son Date Night' last summer, and a few days later Miss Meagan mentioned that you had told her we had gone to our wedding. I laughed at the sweetness and innocence of it, and I think my heart might have grown in that moment to hold all the love.

Things are changing so much these days, Miles. By the time you start first grade, the three of us will be getting ready to meet your baby brother and sister. Even typing that I have trouble believing it, and I know there will be a lot of newness (and craziness) forced upon your life. I am slowly trying to prepare you, and at the same time knowing that I really can't be fully prepared myself for all the changes to come.

But there are a few things I can tell you, with 100% clarity and certainty, that will not change: I love you. Daddy loves you. God loves you.

As long as you've got all that love to lift you up, you'll be doing fine.

Love,

Mama

Thank You, God, For These Blessings!

So here it is, a day I thought might never come. Even though we've known for about four weeks, Casey and I are still catching ourselves smiling at each other and realizing that this is real. We are so blessed to be adding to our little family this fall...two precious babies. Our Miles will get to be a big brother twice over.

The short of it, in case there are questions: Yes, this was the result of an in vitro cycle. They are fraternal (unidentical) twins, meaning they could be any combination: boy/girl, boy/boy, or girl/girl. We won't know that for quite a bit longer, but we do plan on finding out before they're here!

I'm only one day past eight weeks today, so it's still early. We found out three weeks ago that there were two, but there wasn't much to see yet. A week after that we could see their hearts beating, and yesterday we saw them again and it was just as much if not more glorious than the first time. The fatigue started hitting me at least two weeks ago and is increasing by the day it seems, and I think the morning (or all-day) sickness is working its way in.

I'm ready to take whatever comes our way -- this is what I've been asking God for all along! All the pains, the hormones, the crazy ups and downs of emotions...they are a blessing that I gladly bear. I have imagined sharing this kind of news for nearly four years. God has grown me in such unique and unexpected ways during that time. I still hurt a bit for that Tracey and maybe will for a little while more. But from where I'm standing now, it was all worth the wait. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'll end with a fun video we made last night when we told our Thursday night 'The Office' students. I wish more could have been there but it was a great time anyway. We had told them we were taking a group picture to give to someone, but they didn't know I was actually taking video the whole time to capture their reactions...which they delivered nicely.

Moments

Some years will be better than others. Some days will shine brighter than others. And some moments will grab your heart and remind you that yes, life can be so purely sweet and precious so you'd better just hold on and be thankful when they come.

There are some nights when I say goodnight to Miles and close his door that I find myself walking right back in to hold him again. I'll always want one more hug or kiss, one more beautiful smile from that boy, but some nights I truly feel the need to go back just one more time.

Last night I had kissed and hugged him, laughed with him, said goodnight and closed the door. I walked back to my room and sat on the bed, preparing to write in a journal. I didn't even have the chance to get comfortable when I heard a door open and little feet making their way towards me. This will occasionally happen -- Miles will want a drink of water or something -- but not immediately after we've said goodnight.

"What do you need, baby?" I asked as he walked over to me. He said nothing...just held out his little arms to give me a hug. One more hug. It's no wonder to me when I go back to him, but for this perfect five-year-old soul to come back to me means everything.

I picked him up and carried him back to his room, hugging and kissing him the whole way and thanking him for the extra love. I was standing by his bed, swaying and holding him just a little longer. With his head on my shoulder he said softly, "I love you one hundred Valentines."

Moments. Fast and fleeting. Glimpses of heaven. Hold on tight.

Goodbye '11, Hello '12

So much happened this year...so many changes and adjustments, joy and sorrow mixed together. I won't go over all of it again, but I thought I'd share some of my favorite Miles quotes from 2011, plus share a few pictures we took today. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and the three of us spent it together: taking the van through the car wash (Miles' first time, he loved it), going to the park, eating out, then Wii bowling and end-of-the-year photos. That's become a sort of tradition, I think it started when Miles was two.

Miles going through his first car wash

Last family photo of 2011

MY FAVORITE MILES QUOTES OF 2011

Me: "Do you know why I love you so much?" Miles (rubbing my back): "Because you're graceful." 

Casey: "Miles, are you going to change the world?" Miles (pausing and thinking): "I am going to change the world, yes!"

Miles, getting his nightly 'kiss attack' from Mama and Daddy: "Man, these kids really like me."

Miles, yesterday to me on the phone: "I love you with a heart."

Me: "Stop moving your legs, it's driving me crazy." Miles: "But they want to talk!"

Miles, after being reprimanded by his mama: "You know you still love me."

Me: "Miles, what to you want to be when you get older?" Miles: "Five." Me: "But what do you want to do?" Miles: "Help Daddy; work with him."

Miles, talking to his Mama (who feels very blessed): "You are so nice. And you are love."

Miles decided to bring his Winnie the Pooh bear in the van when I went for a latte, because 'Pooh-Bear likes to go on adventures.'

Miles wasn't happy with me this morning and told me, "You aren't being very 'buddy' nice."

Miles, after falling down and showing Casey the bump he got: "That very hurts."

I was holding Miles high up in the air and he said, "Don't drop me on the face!"

Me: "Miles, you didn't get a haircut?" Miles: "No, but it's okay. It's very perfect."

Miles saying goodnight to Oz the cat: "Happy daydreams!"

Miles sneezed on the iPod and said, "I just 'blessed you' all over it!"

Miles, standing by the bathroom scale: "Mama, let me see how weigh you are!"

Miles: "Mama, look what I lost for hundred of years...this flashlight!"

Miles to Casey: "You talked right into my eye!" I hate it when that happens.

Miles: "You are the champion girl star." Me: "Really? That's awesome!" Miles: "I don't know how I figured that out!"

Case and Miles were outside and passed by one of our yellow roses. Miles told Casey, "In my heart, I want to give that to Mama." And he did.

HAVE A HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR!

Squishy

Last night as Miles and I were hugging goodnight -- he's in a sort of bunk bed so he was up higher than me -- he was mostly hugging around my head. He squeezed and said, "That's my squishy head!"

"Who, me?" I asked.

"Yes!" he answered. Then he gave me a big smile and said sweetly, "You are my squishy love."

A New Name

Last week I downloaded a free app called 'Child's Prayer' in order to make bedtime traditions with Miles more special. What I like about this app is that it not only gives a Bible verse for that day, but you flip the card over and there is a question so that you and your child can engage in simple discussion as well.

Tuesday night's verse was Isaiah 9:6..."He will be called, 'Wonderful Counselor,' 'Mighty God,' 'Eternal Father,' 'Prince of Peace.'" Miles touched the screen to flip over the card and the question was, 'Which names would you call Jesus by?' My thinking was that Miles would choose one of the names he had just heard. But oh...that little boy surprises me so many times.

"King of the Life!" was his confident answer, and it almost took my breath away. I mean, how many names are there written for Jesus in the Bible? And yet this was one I had not heard. He wanted to know our answers too, and we gave them, although I personally could have been happy closing the evening with the answer Miles had given.

Thank you, King of the Life, for the unblemished heart of my sweet little boy.

Best Homework Ever

Last night Miles had his first homework assignment, which involved working on the letter E, matching rhyming words, writing his name and the number 3. Casey and I sat and watched as he held his pencil and that little face showed such concentration. It was all too adorable for me, and I couldn't help but kiss his cheek as he worked. Each time he'd finish one task on the paper, he would turn my way and look for the praise and encouragement he needs when learning something new. At one point though, Miles stopped his work to smile at me. He tapped his chin in thought and said, "Mom, I think you're going to be so proud." At this I burst out laughing, then hugged and kissed him and told him he was right -- I would be so proud of him forever and ever.

Heart Stickers

Nearly one week ago, my blog turned seven years old. Seven! Back then, I think it was sometimes called a 'weblog.' Yikes. Sounds like the dark ages, huh?

While I'm thankful for this outlet for my creative writing and a way to connect to a lot of fascinating people (and lifelong blog friends!), I am thankful for much, more more. Of course I am talking about Casey and Miles. Being the only girl in the house -- unless you count Junebug the cat -- I get to feel pretty special most of the time. But my two boys are so much sweeter than anything I could deserve. I'll give you an example.

For the past several days I've been struggling with a slight cold, but worse than that is the ear infection along with it. My ear aches most in the mornings and evenings, and it's become frustrating (especially with the difficulty of hearing). So I'm sniffling, coughing, aching...all the usual that comes along with a cold. Not feeling great, obviously, so I was resting my head for just a bit before fixing dinner this evening.

I walked into the kitchen, and the first thing Miles said was, "Mama...we have something for you!" and I could see a white folded 'thank you' card in his hand. I'm not sure whose idea it was to give me a card -- it could have been either one of them -- but it didn't matter. I opened it up to find the inside covered with little heart stickers and Casey's handwriting. Miles had asked him to write these words:

Dear Mama,

We'll give you two hearts. Love you Mama. We kiss and hug you forever and ever.

I don't know about you...but my heart was pretty much filled from the beginning of that note. In that moment there were no colds, no earaches, no sniffles that could contend with such love. I went on to cook a meal for my family without complaint after that.

Does my ear still hurt? Yes. Do I still feel achy? Sure. When I glance over and look at that heart-filled card, does it really matter? No way.

Thank you, God. Thank you for two of the best blessings you have ever given me, and ones that I deserved the least. Thank you for Casey and Miles.

Dibs on Being Me

For the third night in a row, I'm having trouble going to sleep. I think it has something to do with a certain campus minister husband leaving the country with a team of students to visit and help orphans in Haiti. But I could be wrong.

I had originally pulled up my blog tonight after seeing a commercial about women who have just had a baby 'suffering from unsightly stretch marks' and was going to comment on it in a snarky way...something along the lines of, "Suffering? Really? Because I -- and I'm sure thousands of women living with infertility -- would take that kind of suffering in a heartbeat."

See? Snarky. I apologize...sort of. Just hard to hear things like that and not have a reaction.

Anyway, I got on the blog and became engrossed in many of my old posts. Some about my former wound, some about wanting another baby, and many about how much I adore my husband and son. And in some of those posts, I sound so strong and sure of myself. I sound happy. I want to go back and ask that woman to hold on to what she has, because there are days when it seems I've lost that forever.

No, I know I haven't. It's just that I'm...different than I was back then. I didn't know I was headed into this world of longing for another child and not seeing that dream realized. The experience has placed a shadow over my heart, and I fight for the sunlight but it's a battle I lose on many occasions. I know I need to work on my relationship with God. I love him, I trust him, I won't leave him...but are we super-close all the time? I have to say no. And part of me hates admitting that, but I've come to learn that I am human and I am weak, and God knows all of this. He knows me better than I know myself. Scary but true.

This is one post that I have to leave unresolved. I'm not living in a sitcom world (but oh, how I wish I could for just a day!) where, after about 20 minutes of silliness and conflicts, the music swells and all the pieces come together. There are things I wish were different, but I would never trade my life for another. This one, with all of its love and yes, broken pieces, is mine...dibs.

Haiti Bound

Casey and a group of our students will be traveling to Haiti in less than a week. Great things have happened within this campus ministry since last fall. Milton Jones, president of Christian Relief Fund, came to give a talk to the students in October. That same evening, church members and Rebels for Christ raised enough money to sponsor three children for a year! Their pictures hang framed in our student center. Two of them live in Haiti, one in Africa.

But Casey and the RFCs went one step further by deciding to take a trip to Haiti and help install water filtration systems. Money has been raised for two of those systems -- praise God! -- and also to send this group over for about ten days. Along with installing the systems, they will get to meet two of the three children that we are sponsoring. How awesome is that?

There was a time a few months ago when I considered joining the group and traveling to Haiti as well. Being a mom to a young child, however, caused me to hesitate. For one, it would be both of his parents flying out of the country...and I can't guarantee that something won't happen. Besides that, they will be gone for about ten days. I could not see myself leaving Miles for that long. We've left him for a week at a time, going on anniversary trips. This is so different, though.

I have told Casey how much I want to be taking photos in Haiti, documenting the whole experience. But I would choose being with Miles over that any day, and there will hopefully be more trips to Haiti in the future, ones that might involve Miles accompanying us when he's old enough. I have struggled with the thought of Casey going on this trip, and I think most of it is due to the depression and anxiety. But I've gotten better each week, and the meds are helping greatly with that. I will also spend a few days with my in-laws, giving me some help and Miles a fun time with his grandparents.

But it would be great to know that Casey and this group of students have some prayer warriors in their corner for the next few weeks. I'll have my concerns about the trip, naturally, but I am so very proud of them for the work they'll be doing to God's glory.

Solitude and Survivor

I'm sorry. For those friends or family to whom I have not given much of myself lately, those are the best words I can think to say at the moment. I am here, and yet I'm not. My brain, my heart...they are filled with noise and pain that I yearn to quiet and ease.

Back in March I posted this link after our fourth in vitro attempt failed. We got the negative test results on the 16th of that month, and at the moment of 'the phone call' with the IVF coordinator (whose job I do not envy) I remember my body going numb and cold. One week later I was having trouble remembering big and small details of the previous days. I knew I had bought some shirts, but had to ask Casey where we'd gone to get them. I knew we'd visited his parents for a weekend night, but didn't remember the drive there or much of the visit itself. I was actually shocked at how big the gaps were in my memory.

Turns out I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD was no stranger to me, because the events of 2006 following Miles' birth had greatly affected me. But this time the symptoms were much more acute, and because I was in better health I noticed them more quickly. In my mind, there are so many worse things that can happen in life which might cause post-traumatic stress. I almost felt silly  thinking that this was what had taken place for me. Yes, the news for us was bad and came after three years of our struggles. Still...it seemed like a big reaction for me to experience.

I have thankfully had the opportunity to see a counselor who Casey and I trust greatly -- had sessions with him last year, and Casey has joined me for sessions this year. In counseling we are looking for tools in coping with my emotional 'stuck-ness' (for lack of a much better word), and tools that will help us listen to one another in the midst of grief. Our marriage is a strong one and we don't intend letting it go by the wayside. Casey and I have always agreed on being proactive in this.

And as much as I don't want to be tied to daily meds, I began taking anti-depressants almost immediately. I know that for me it is a tremendous help. Side effects? Yes...and I don't like them. But while I struggle to function in daily life, they are something I must endure for a while. I feel as though I must take them, not just for myself, but for my husband and my son. As much as my heart wants to skip those large looming clouds on the road of grieving, I would never choose to miss out on those small sparks of joy I still experience from day to day. Yes, sparks of joy, because with Casey to hold me and Miles to fill my heart with his laughter, there is no denying that joy is going to get through the cracks in my sadness.

I don't know how many of you watch the show Survivor, but this latest season included a twist where the person voted off doesn't immediately go home but instead goes to 'Redemption Island.' They stay there and wait (three days?) for the next eliminated player, and the two duel it out to see who stays on the island for a chance to get back in the game at some point, while the loser goes home for good. As of now, Matt -- self-proclaimed Christian -- has spent about three weeks on Redemption Island. Three weeks. That's more than half the game, and nearly all of that time alone.

I always find it interesting when a Christian is on these reality shows. Well, not so much that they're on the show, more when they start talking about it in terms of what God's will is for them on that show. Can they hear themselves talking? Recently I found myself so irritated with a statement like that I said to the TV, "He doesn't care that you're on the show!" I mean, of course God cares about the person and loves them. But is God really putting effort into the outcome of a reality show? Really? My guess is that he has more important issues on his mind.

But I digress. The aforementioned Matt now has my attention. Here he is, this nice, young Christian guy...I never found him disagreeable, just a bit unfocused on what he was saying. The intentions to 'honor his God' as he put it were definitely there, I only had trouble with believing that the best way for him to do so was in the run for one million dollars. On an island. Alone. I'm by no means this great Christian example, but even I know that there are better ways to honor God than trying to win a bunch of money in a game where most people excel by lying and backstabbing.

What the producers unwittingly did in creating this 'Redemption Island' twist, however, was to force a sincere Christian kid into more solitude than he ever wanted, and in last week's episode the effects of it were clearly showing. Up until then, Matt seemed strong and confident and was winning every single duel that came his way. He gave the glory to God, and I would scoff in my usual way that God didn't really care. Yeah, I liked the kid and was cheering him on...but I wanted there to be more. And now the solitude had all but broken Matt. He was crying on camera, saying that God had been carrying him for the past few days. But the best part? Now he said he was done with the game. That was it! That was what I'd been waiting for! Matt had used his time of forced solitude to be with his God, and he had had a breakthrough: the game didn't matter. At the next duel he faced, Matt looked broken and maybe a bit wiser. He somehow pulled out yet another win and said something like, "I guess God still wants me here." Well of course that bugged me, but not as much this time. And the woman who he beat in the duel mentioned before she left that because of Matt's example she was going home and getting involved in a church. That, in my mind, is the closest reason to God wanting Matt on that show.

I digress once again. Why, you might be asking, would I interrupt my talk of PTSD and depression to discuss an episode of Survivor? I promise it fits. When we were watching Matt breaking down and breaking through because of his solitude, all I could think was, "I wish I could do that!" And maybe that sounds like an unusual thing to wish, but I am in an unusual place in my life. Counseling and meds can help, no doubt -- but at this point I still need something more. And so Casey and I have decided that I will take a weekend in the next couple of months and spend it in solitude with God. There are ways I could find some moments of solitude where I am right now, but I believe what will truly help me grow is being in another place all alone for a good stretch of time. I've found one place online that is very appealing: it has little cabins specifically for spiritual meditation and solitude. And I know this is what my heart needs because I normally wouldn't want to do this, and yet I can't stop thinking about it.

Eleven years ago I was in search of solitude. I found a horse ranch two hours from my home and spent a night there in the bunkhouse. Sitting under the stars on the tiny balcony, reading my Bible and journaling about the experience, I could feel my soul being renewed. I remember how it felt and I long for that again. Just me and God, tending to the wounds in my heart.

Five is Here. Heart, Don't Break.

Dear Miles,

Three days ago you turned five years old, something I have been slightly dreading for a while. Each birthday has gotten just a little more difficult for me, but five means more change than your mama is ready to embrace.

I begged you joked with you several times before the big day about remaining a four-year-old. Finally you got quite serious with me and said in a firm but kind voice, "I have to get bigger, you know that." You are so very ready to be taller and older, and yet you are still somehow sensitive to how I am dealing with it.

One of those changes I mentioned at the beginning is the fact that you will start attending school in the fall...no, not even the fall, because it begins on the fourth day of August! Can't I just have one more month with you? But no. And when we registered you for school recently I made myself swallow those feelings down, because this is a big deal for you and you need to know that I am going to be okay. Of course I'll have my little crying moments away from you, but I'm also going to be so proud to see my Miles head off on a new adventure.

Learning to write letters and to count

There have been so many more 'firsts' this past year. You played your first (and second) season of soccer and went from crying on the field to scoring your first goal! You really got into dressing up for Halloween, and sometimes when it wasn't Halloween you still wanted to be Batman. For Christmas you received your first 'big' bike...good thing too, that tricycle was getting a bit small for you. And even though we have had our cat Junebug since before you were born, the arrival of new kitty Oz has been a big first in your life. He just has no idea how much you adore him, and I think he's very lucky to have you for a friend.

Showing his soccer form

Enjoying Halloween treats at the library

Bike ride in the park

Miles and Oz: best buddies

This past winter, you made very clear something that has seemed clear for a good while now: you love the cold. In fact, you made that statement to me so much that I almost knew when you would say it. But even in that spirit you cannot ignore how much more you love each different season. It's as if it's in your blood, and must be, because your daddy is the same: loves the cold, but can't get enough of those changing seasons.

Looking cool while washing the car on a summer day

The perfect pumpkin

Snowball fight with Daddy in the nine-inch snowfall

Spring snails found on the porch

Miles and Daddy...what can I say? The blessings I receive from you both on a given day could keep my heart afloat for years to come. You are both more sweet to me than I deserve, and nothing makes me smile more than seeing you interact and share that daddy-son affection I know is so important. Miles, when you get older I hope to see you appreciate what an incredible man your daddy is. I know that right now he is your hero in that 'my daddy is the strongest man in the world' type of way...someday you'll learn that he is very strong, and giving his life in service to God shows that strength every day.

Daddy, Miles and Uncle Corey on the U of A campus

How tall are we, Mama?

 Falling asleep while waiting for Daddy to play

We've seen your sense of humor emerging more this past year. It's so much fun seeing you understand more subtle humor, but you're still mostly about the physical comedy. Nothing wrong with that! Some of the greats have been revered for their slapstick. I'm just glad you still think I'm funny, and hopefully our dinnertime giggles will last a long time.

I learn so much from you, Miles. You already see beauty in the small things, you take joy from the simple things, and you charge ahead with the tough things. Life is still so new and amazing for you, but you are teaching me. I have a feeling it will always be that way.

That purity, that innocence about you, I am holding on to that for as long as I can. When I write your next birthday letter, you will almost be through with your first year of school. How much will you have grown? How much will you have changed? I want you to grow in love and goodness always, and keep that joy in your heart as you go on your way. But I am here whenever you need me to lean on.

Love,

Mama