23rd Psalm

The Lord is my shepherd;

I have everything I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to his name.

Even when I walk

through the dark valley of death,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You welcome me as a guest,

anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love

will pursue me

all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever.

Little Angel

Sunday was a difficult day. Wait, that's an understatement. Sunday was a dark, dark day for me. Grieving takes you to dark places at times, but even in the midst of those times I know that I will come through it. I know that. Still, it doesn't change how hard grieving can be.

One thing that shook me out of it was Miles knocking on my door that afternoon, coming to my bedside and asking, "Mama, why won't you let me in with your sadness?" It was his simple and yet terribly insightful four-year-old way of showing me his love. I was torn and comforted at the same time.

So, don't worry about my grieving. It is healthy, it is necessary, it is a part of life. Plus, I have a little sandy-haired angel by my side who won't let me go very far into that 'darkness.' He's got a firm grip on my hand and definitely on my heart.

Pain

At 12:30 p.m. on Wednesday we got the news: our fourth attempt at in vitro fertilization had failed.

I am writing this from my 'cave' -- that being a surrounding of a large latte, my laptop, my knitting and my DVR remote. In other words, the things I use as my escape.

My pain is only just surfacing, and it is fierce. No, I do not need offers of a surrogate. My body can carry a baby perfectly well, it's just that the embryo/blastocyst needs to hold on and grow when it gets in there.

I do not want to talk about adoption. I've said this before, but the decision to have a baby/adopt a baby are extremely personal. Don't ever assume that someone wants to do that just because they don't have a baby.

Ranting aside, I am thankful for the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. I am highly aware that others have suffered and are suffering far beyond my comprehension. I work to keep that in mind as I wade through my own terrible grief.

Thanks for listening.

The Proposal

Last Monday evening, Casey and I were watching America's Funniest Videos with Miles. I had stopped watching it for years but started taping it again last year because I thought Miles would enjoy it. He loves it. Since then, I've sent in two videos to AFV, one of Miles as a baby and one of our college students.

So, one of the many video clips we were watching that evening was a wedding video, and as we saw the couple exchanging vows, Miles turns to me and says, "Can we do that, Mom?" I clarified that he meant getting married, and he said yes. Then a pause as he looked at me very seriously and asked, "Would you?"

I turned to Casey and said, "He's proposing to me!" I've heard so many moms talk about having a similar moment with their little boys. Little boys' first love is their mama, and it is more sweet than I can even put into words. I have always wondered if Miles would talk about marrying me -- he has told Casey that 'Mama is my girl' and that sort of thing, but this moment...this was the moment.

So I told Miles, "That is so sweet, but Mama already married Daddy." He wasn't having that. "No, I'm going to marry you." Then he went on to say he was also going to marry 'tiny Sam' who is one of his best little girl friends he sees often at worship and they are very sweet together. She is just one year younger than him.

I thought I had it straight, but I decided to clarify: "So Miles, you are going to marry me, then you are going to marry tiny Sam?"

"Yes."

"But you can only marry one person."

"No, I want two."

That's an entirely new discussion for another day.