From My Journal

Following is an entry from my journal dated three weeks ago today. I really don't share my journal, ever, but I wanted to share these thoughts to show where I am lately in my journey...

Monday, March 9, 2009

So much has happened in one month. God continues to open my eyes and heart as I continue to ask Him for guidance. I don't know when, or if, we might be blessed with another baby. But I am following where God will lead me -- through this desert that holds treasures around every corner. I have my manna, and yes I have grumbled, but mostly I am crying out to God, because who honestly wants to be led through a desert? And yet...it is so good. How amazing is that? My heart has been running on half-empty for a year, chasing and pursuing its baby-dreams. But now, I am laying those dreams at Jesus' feet, and my heart has not been this full in a very long time. I began looking outwardly rather than inwardly, and found a chance at service that has been tugging at my heart for a while now. I really don't know what to expect, but I'm excited now that I'll have a chance to shine the light I've been given.

This is all still very hard. I've broken down more than once in the past few days -- once because I found out yet again that we're not pregnant, but mostly because any kind of spiritual growth is not easy, and is in fact painful. And this is a big time of growing for me, so naturally it brings more pain. But oh...'the riches and fullness of His love'! I regret that I didn't begin this journey a year ago. But at least I've begun. I don't know where God will lead me or what His will entails for our future. All I know is that I'm following, however badly I may be doing it...I am following.

Kristi's Kringles

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Visiting with Granmom

Casey is currently away, spending spring break in North Carolina with a bunch of college students. Wait, that doesn't sound so good. What I mean to say is, Casey and a group of students from our campus ministry are doing mission work in Chapel Hill, NC this week. There...that's better.

For the past two(?) years, this time was spent in West Virginia. Two years ago, both of my parents came to stay with me and help with Miles. I was still not 100% healthy and strong at that point, so help was much needed. Last year I decided to go it on my own, and am proud to say that I did not do too badly. Of course it was difficult, and I gained a new appreciation for all that Casey does, but I made it.

This year my mom was hoping to visit, so we made plans for her to visit while Casey was away. Miles is at such a fun age (so far they've all been fun), and his vocabulary and speech made quite a leap in the past four months since we saw my family over the holidays. Needless to say, these last few days have been fun and entertaining. Just watching Miles with his Granmom is a treat. He will miss her so much when we take her to the airport on Friday. Miles doesn't remember, but I think his heart knows what a special bond they share, because my mom took care of him for two of the three-and-a-half months that I was in the hospital. I don't know how she did it, mostly all by herself because Casey was with me or at work, but she did it. And I think the two of them will always have a unique bond because of that.

Last night Miles decided he wanted to sleep in Granmom's bed. She was fine with that, although I told her that I'd probably just move him over to his bed later on. She stayed with him, but said that she kept trying to see if he was sleeping, because it was dark and she couldn't tell. He was so quiet, but she just wasn't sure. Finally, my mom decided to get up and leave the room for a minute (this was after about half an hour). The second she started to get up she heard, "Where you goin' Granmom?" I don't think we'll be trying that again tonight, although I'm sure Miles will make an attempt.

We've made plans to visit a nearby children's museum tomorrow. I've heard great things about it and I'm pretty excited, not just for Miles to see it but to see it myself! We didn't live around those kinds of things when I was growing up -- I had no idea any 'children's museum' existed. We're also thinking about taking a trip to the zoo later on in the week. For me there's always that feeling of, 'I sure wish Case could be here to enjoy this with us,' but I know he'll be glad we're having a good time. And for an entire week, I'm not outnumbered in the house!

Light, fish and clouds

As I have many random thoughts running through my mind, I thought it would be the perfect time to post...

Since finishing Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On (Stormie Omartian) -- actually, before I even had it finished -- my mind and heart have opened up in a new way. I am going through a new phase of spiritual growth that is both exciting and painful. Exciting because I am seeing things in a new way, and because God is giving me a longing for more of His Word. Painful because, well, any kind of growing is painful. I am learning to let go of some things, like the way I want things to be, the way I think things should be...and so on. I struggle and will probably continue to struggle with the way I want to be and the way God wants me to be.

Miles continues to bring joy to my heart. He has stepped up the defiance level a bit -- I guess he's aware that he'll be a year older next month (yikes!). That stubborn streak comes straight from his mama. For now we've given up the potty-training. He's just not ready. But before that happened, he managed to earn a few prizes including two goldfish named Nemo and Finny. We had them for nearly one month, and were due to change out the water in the bowl the other day when I took a look and didn't see Nemo swimming around in there. Instead, I saw him floating amongst the fake plants. I was sad, but more for Miles, and wondered how we would explain this. Casey scooped Nemo out with the net and let Miles say goodbye before he flushed him. Miles wasn't bothered at all, just said, "bye!" and continued watching Finny. But later on he asked, "Where's Nemo?" I told him that Nemo had gotten sick and had to go away. He asked again later, and I told him the same thing. Since then, we haven't heard about it. Casey is wanting to get a new goldfish tomorrow, so I'm thinking that will either stop all the questioning or bring up new ones.

This weather is crazy! And it's wreaking havoc on our allergies and sinuses. I think Casey and I take turns with who will be sneezing more on a given night. We never seem to be suffering at the same time, which I find very strange. I guess our allergies are slightly different. Anyway, yesterday we had a gorgeous warm day, temperature in the 70s. Today? Cloudy skies and 40-degree weather. Yuck. Thankfully it will warm up a bit, to the 60s, but will continue the cloudiness. My mom is visiting starting tomorrow, for just over a week, so I was hoping for beautiful spring weather. I guess we'll be Wii bowling more than I thought!

I thought I had way more thoughts to work with, but those are the only ones that surfaced for now. Cloudy days make for cloudy minds...yeah, I just made that one up. I wouldn't quote it if I were you.

Shellie, Samantha and Richard will love this

Casey and I were all set for our Friday night 'date night' this past weekend. Whether we go out somewhere or not (and it's usually 'not' because we can't often afford a babysitter), Friday night is the designated night for us to spend extra time together. When we're at home, that basically means we're watching a movie. But we try to have some special snacks planned, and here and there Casey has surprised me with a special treat or gift.

So, Friday night's movie was Batman Begins. Even though we've seen it already, this was the blu-ray version. I don't have to have all the fancy-shmanciness, but Casey is excited about his new blu-ray movies, player, etc. Okay, so I'm looking forward to watching The Dark Knight again...that movie rocks. So we were sitting on the couch, where I was finishing up a late dinner. I can't remember what it was, but it involved lots of crumbs being left on my plate. Because I was sitting there with my husband, I saw no need to hide the fact that I was going to pick up said crumbs from the plate with my tongue. As I'm doing this, I suddenly realize I'm being watched. I look up at Casey, who looks back at me and says, "I just got a glimpse of the nursing home years."

Needless to say, I laughed for a very long time and could hardly catch my breath. I have to admit, the guy can be pretty funny.