It is very difficult to get a tone across in a blog post. Many of you have experienced this with email as well -- you send it to someone and the next thing you know, things are misunderstood and taken out of context, etc. Tone is not, unfortunately, one of the little tools on the edit list.
Nevertheless, I will make an effort to get my point across, and I will tell you ahead of time that my tone here is not one of anger or irritation. Had I written this a few days ago, it certainly might have been. But I vented a bit to Casey and allowed myself a cooling-off period, and now here I am.
When I wrote my previous post, I was coming from a place of joy -- not sadness! I read some of the comments and wondered if some had even finished reading to the end, because it certainly seemed as though they hadn't. Either that, or it seemed as though they didn't realize that I had been through so much more than just giving birth. This mourning that I've experienced would have been much different had I only gone in and had Miles, having spent a day or two in the hospital rather than three-plus months.
Another thing I wanted to address was this: lamenting and grieving are a part of life. Yes, when you are dealing with depression beyond 'baby blues' you should seek help, but how does anyone know that I haven't done that? I am as bad about assuming as the next person, but I believe it's something we should all be really careful about. I have no shame in sharing this, because I was going to do it as I continued my 'chapters', but I started taking antidepressants back in May, and I am still taking them. I guess I am mostly directing these things at the person who chose to leave a comment anonymously without signing her name, and I will admit that I bristled a bit at her first sentence which was: 'You need to get help.' I understand that there was an element of helpfulness in that, but come on! I had just made this triumphant breakthrough and was sharing it with all who wanted to read about it, and I am told that I need to get help. My understanding was that I had asked for help from my Heavenly Father!
If you lived with me, you would know that I am an overly self-aware kind of person. I did not hesitate in taking antidepressants because I knew that I needed them, and I have an amazing husband who talks things through with me, and I have awesome sisters in Christ who have come over to just be with me when the load gets too heavy.
Why did I let that one little anonymous comment get to me so much? I'm not sure if it was because it was anonymous or what, but it just felt as though she had never been to my blog, read that one post, and spat out a diagnosis. Okay, I tend to take criticism badly at times, but I think it was just the assuming part of it. And to make things clear once again, the tone of my previous post was one of joy and relief. It was, "Hey guys, I did it! I'm lamenting, but I'm finally doing it with God as my guide!"
8 comments:
Wow - I actually have been reading for quite some time. I just don't usually comment. I don't think I was the only one to take your post as one coming from a place of sadness. I can understand your frustration with me being anonymous - I just chose to remain that way. That being said - I interpreted your post as one of desperation - not that you were necessarily desperate at that moment, but that you had been having feelings of desperation - as many people with PPD do. Therefore, I commented with the reaction your writing provoked in me. As you yourself have said here - getting help is not a bad thing, or anything to be ashamed of - so I didn't think twice about writing that. Sorry - I guess tone doesn't come across well in comments either.
Hmm...still trying to decide if I should stick to my policy of deleting comments with no name. I honestly haven't been having feelings of desperation, nor ones of deep depression (that was way back at the beginning). Just a lot of avoidance, but my daily life is truly filled with a lot of laughter. Believe it or don't, but it is the truth. I don't understand not leaving your name, and I'm not really angry with you -- just some misunderstandings there, I think. I'll leave your comment up for now. Like I said, I felt that your comment came out of trying to be helpful, but it just didn't come across that way to me initially. And again, I am one who does not take criticism very well most of the time -- something I need to work on. In conclusion, I think you ultimately helped me to get things cleared up, especially for those who are close to me and were concerned. No hard feelings.
Hi Tracey!! I REALLY get annoyed with anonymous comments, too. There are too many people out there who feel that they have the right (or need) to comment and remark on our lives without wanting to be personally responsible for their own words. I had a few bad hits this year and sadly had to take down my comments link - it wasn't worth it for me - all that emotional upheaval by some unknown person. Grrrrr...
How is Miles doing??? I think of him often since Kaylene is very close to his age. :) Aren't babies SO fun?!
Well...had to delete that one. First, I just don't like people leaving comments without their name. You choose to remain anonymous, that's fine -- I choose whether I want to delete that comment, and I just didn't like the way things were heading. Whether or not you like what Jolene had to say, she leaves her name along with it.
I also had meant to come and leave another comment regarding the whole post partum thing. The fact that I started taking antidepressants doesn't necessarily mean I was suffering from post partum depression. As a matter of fact, I believe that if a man went into the hospital with a burst appendix and spent three months in the hospital as a result, he would leave there with some emotional issues. My hospital stay was what it was because of my burst appendix, not because I gave birth, and so baby or not, I would have needed some help. There's another place where people are assuming, because even the doctors couldn't have told me if I was suffering from PPD.
I'm totally with you on the "you need help" bit being instantly annoying. It always rubs me the wrong way, even when friends say it jokingly. ALWAYS. It's just one of my pet peeves. Like, who are you to diagnose me without knowing all the facts or being asked? Ah well. I for one know that you're strong enough to know what you need and that you have a good support network. Take care! Oh, and more photos! :)
this is tammy again,
just wanted to apologize if my comment contributed to your frustration. it was just a long 18 months after my baby was born before I even realized that I needed help, and i want to encourage others not to struggle on their own for as long as I did (and yes, sometimes even assume that they may still need help, instead of assuming they are ok when they really aren't.) and i know "struggling " doesn't necessarily mean PPD, but I do think that we go into motherhood with a lot of expectations and dreams, and after the baby is born, when things turn out so differently than what we expected (because of burst appendices, or other), it is a time when depression is easy to happen (whatever title it gets). i am thankful, though, that you were able to climb with God's help out of the valley, and I pray that He gives you an extra measure of joy now, for the grieving you've had to endure. sorry some of us didn't express well enough that we really do want to rejoice with you in this time of your rejoicing.
Thanks Sally-Anne...you always make me smile. Wow, I am just suddenly really missing going to the movies with you! Those were some fun times. =)
Tammy, thank you so much for your encouraging words. And don't worry at all, you did not contribute to any frustration. I feel as though I know you well enough to know where you were coming from. I had no idea you went through 18 months before getting the help you did, that must have been so very hard. I hope things are going well for you, and thank you for rejoicing with me!
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