Sunday, December 03, 2006

Light and momentary troubles

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I am getting real here. I'm not saying I'm going to be all serious and no funny...but it is finally time that I face up to some things. I started truly facing up to them tonight, as a matter of fact. You may have noticed that it's been a while since I posted -- nearly two months now. That's been purposeful, because what I have been doing is running away from my pain.

I know I don't have to share this with anyone else but God, but I find no shame in it. What is happening is REAL LIFE -- the stuff that makes you cry, makes you angry, makes you either face it now or run away and face it later. And it's the stuff that makes you, God willing, a stronger person for it.

For those of you sitting there still shaking their heads, the ones who might communicate much differently to myself (maybe that's everyone!), I am simply talking about all the things I've been through this year, and the fact that I've been avoiding really dealing with the emotional pain of it all that I sort of convinced myself I was done dealing with months ago. Do I hear laughter? That's okay, I have laughed at myself already, though admittedly it was a somewhat sadder laugh.

I really hope I'm not depressing anyone, because there is good news in all of this! Isn't that what God is ultimately about? That's why I included the above scripture. It's what Casey shared with me last night to encourage me. And then this evening, while he was out, I finally cracked open my journal (March 27 was my last entry...talk about avoidance) and scratched out a couple of pages. I barely got any of the story out and couldn't go on, and I've written more about it in this blog! But I closed the journal, put down the pen, and prayer poured from my lips while tears poured from my eyes. I could see God in my mind's eye, nodding his head and saying, "It's about time...it's about time." But he was saying it with a smile on his face, because like the patient father that he is, he knew that after stumbling over it all by myself I would eventually stop running away and just...run to him.

Why am I being so open about this? Not sure. I think I knew, back on my last post here, that I would be avoiding my next 'chapter' for a good while. I've already said it out loud to Casey and maybe someone else, but I think I really and truly wanted the story to end the night Miles was born. It was such a beautiful, happy ending, and yet in real life what happened after that was the most painful part. Not just going through some excruciating actual physical pain, but the part I think will honestly take me a while to get through: the fact that I missed out on my precious baby's first three months of life on this earth and I can never, ever get that back. Tears fall even as I type this, I think because it is the hardest part of all.

I hope you're still reading, because here is where I give praise to God for all the blessings he's given me! Yes, there is so much good going on in my life, and so I cannot ignore that. Can one be mournful and grieving at the same time she is giving thanks? Absolutely. I'm doing it right here in one post! I cry, and yet I smile. I ache, and yet I overflow with joy. What a mystery.

I don't know how long it will take for someone to see this post, because I'm sure many have given up checking back here and have moved on...but when you read this, please don't feel pity for me. I've hit the bottom of the valley, and I'm on my way back up.

9 comments:

pshaw said...

Whoa, Trace. Things must still weigh heavy on the heart and mind. Writing helps me get past my frustrations, and it seems to help you as well. I'm glad that you are back to blogging. I don't see enough of you. If a private journal is more helpful, then maybe you should stick to that. Whatever makes the recovery easier is probably best.

Lori F said...

Girl, I wish I was there to give you a great big hug! You absolutely need to grieve the loss of those 3 months. That's a good thing to do, better than not caring at all, right? The Lord promises us that he will give us back "what the locust has eaten" (Joel 2) & I know that He will redeem the time for you. And write, write, write in that journal! I quit writing when Evan was born because I was so grief-stricken. A wise friend pushed me to start writing again & that is a big thing that helped me deal with my emotions and begin to heal. Thank you for sharing your heart & I will continue to pray not just for your physical healing but for your emotional healing as well.

Sarah said...

Tracey,

I love you and I have been thinking about you a lot. I check your blog all the time!!!

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I just can't imagine what has happened to you in the last few months, but I will pray for continued healing in every way possible.

If you ever feel the need to talk to someone who can just listen, you know my number!

I can't wait to meet Miles someday...
love,
sarah
p.s. I would try to write something more coherent but little Miss Trinity is screaming at me right now :)

tracey said...

Wow, I am always so amazed that after so long people are still checking in here! =)

I'm also awed and comforted by all of your words -- thank you James, Lori and Sarah! Really heals the heart.

melo-jo said...

Hi Tracey,
Thank you for sharing this difficult post with us. Here's a huge hug all the way from Malaysia from me!
(((((((HUG)))))))

Anonymous said...
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Joy said...

Tracey, I want you to know you have been on my heart and in my prayers. I will email you later, but I just happened to check your blog to see how things were going. Sounds like you've got a lot going on. Know that I love you and will see you soon. :)

Anonymous said...

tracey,
this is tammy (reese). i found your blog a while back from sarah, and have enjoyed keeping up with you. we're in italy, and our second girl was born a couple of weeks ago.
just wanted to send you a note of encouragement. I hit the bottom of a pretty low valley after my first baby was born. motherhood has different struggles for different people, but it is NEVER what we expected or dreamed about. sounds like you've already started on the first step, that of mourning the loss of our dreams. i also found that, despite several attempts, i couldn't get myself out of the valley, but God used antidepressants and a good counselor to give me the tools to get back on solid ground, while appreciating the lessons that God taught me in the valley.
thanks for sharing, for reaching out for a bit of help. we can't do this on our own - we need both God and other people. you are in my prayers.

tracey said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you are going to leave a comment, please leave your name...otherwise I'll delete it. Nothing personal against the one commenting, but it's my blog and that's one of my little 'policies'. Thanks!

Also, thank you to Joy and Tammy for your comments. So nice to hear from you, Tammy, and congrats on the new little one! I had heard you were expecting (from your folks) but didn't know you'd had her yet. =)

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