Light and momentary troubles

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I am getting real here. I'm not saying I'm going to be all serious and no funny...but it is finally time that I face up to some things. I started truly facing up to them tonight, as a matter of fact. You may have noticed that it's been a while since I posted -- nearly two months now. That's been purposeful, because what I have been doing is running away from my pain.

I know I don't have to share this with anyone else but God, but I find no shame in it. What is happening is REAL LIFE -- the stuff that makes you cry, makes you angry, makes you either face it now or run away and face it later. And it's the stuff that makes you, God willing, a stronger person for it.

For those of you sitting there still shaking their heads, the ones who might communicate much differently to myself (maybe that's everyone!), I am simply talking about all the things I've been through this year, and the fact that I've been avoiding really dealing with the emotional pain of it all that I sort of convinced myself I was done dealing with months ago. Do I hear laughter? That's okay, I have laughed at myself already, though admittedly it was a somewhat sadder laugh.

I really hope I'm not depressing anyone, because there is good news in all of this! Isn't that what God is ultimately about? That's why I included the above scripture. It's what Casey shared with me last night to encourage me. And then this evening, while he was out, I finally cracked open my journal (March 27 was my last entry...talk about avoidance) and scratched out a couple of pages. I barely got any of the story out and couldn't go on, and I've written more about it in this blog! But I closed the journal, put down the pen, and prayer poured from my lips while tears poured from my eyes. I could see God in my mind's eye, nodding his head and saying, "It's about time...it's about time." But he was saying it with a smile on his face, because like the patient father that he is, he knew that after stumbling over it all by myself I would eventually stop running away and just...run to him.

Why am I being so open about this? Not sure. I think I knew, back on my last post here, that I would be avoiding my next 'chapter' for a good while. I've already said it out loud to Casey and maybe someone else, but I think I really and truly wanted the story to end the night Miles was born. It was such a beautiful, happy ending, and yet in real life what happened after that was the most painful part. Not just going through some excruciating actual physical pain, but the part I think will honestly take me a while to get through: the fact that I missed out on my precious baby's first three months of life on this earth and I can never, ever get that back. Tears fall even as I type this, I think because it is the hardest part of all.

I hope you're still reading, because here is where I give praise to God for all the blessings he's given me! Yes, there is so much good going on in my life, and so I cannot ignore that. Can one be mournful and grieving at the same time she is giving thanks? Absolutely. I'm doing it right here in one post! I cry, and yet I smile. I ache, and yet I overflow with joy. What a mystery.

I don't know how long it will take for someone to see this post, because I'm sure many have given up checking back here and have moved on...but when you read this, please don't feel pity for me. I've hit the bottom of the valley, and I'm on my way back up.