Friday, September 18, 2009

Hurting

It's something I've been preparing for, and have already met, along this road to IVF. It is called ignorance, and I have dealt with it in different ways so far. Today I'm addressing it on my blog, because today I received an anonymous comment that, although the person who left it may have thought they were being helpful, only left me hurting. I usually delete negative anonymous comments, but I wanted to share this one.

When I've shared my experiences and tried very hard to get across what Casey and I are dealing with emotionally in all of this, one of my priorities is to help others understand. And until I've gone through your exact trials and sufferings, I will never know exactly how you feel. The same is true the other way around. Now, there are certainly other women who have suffered infertility and can relate much better to my emotions. What I'm trying to do is help everyone else understand. I think that's a big part of all of our lives: we want to be understood.

But when someone comes along who only knows a portion of the information, mostly because the rest of it hasn't been shared, and makes assumptions on that information and then tells you what they think about that...well, that can hurt. And I wasn't going to share this, but the comment that was left anonymously today hurt me deeply. It actually had a physiological effect on me. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking. In fact, my heartbeat is still going a little too fast. I started typing a response and left the computer to cry on Casey's shoulder.

Please, please...before you leave a comment (especially an anonymous one), ask yourself something: "Do I really know everything this person has been through or is going through? Do I have all the facts?" And here's the most important one: "Do I know what is in their heart?"

I don't know for certain if the anonymous person really knows everything I've been through and am going through, but my guess is they don't. I do know that they don't have all the facts. There are people we see on a regular basis who don't even have all the facts, and that's simply because we don't share them. And I can tell by the comment -- and you should be able to tell by my reaction to the comment -- that the anonymous person does not know what is in my heart.

The comment reads:
I simply wonder why, with your overall health and the status of your reproductive system, you don't say "It is not in God's plan, nor is it good for my body, for me to have more children?" I would dare say that it costs less to adopt a child than to pay for IVF.
If you're wondering whether the comment made me angry, it did. I don't think I would be human if I didn't feel anger. But overwhelmingly the feeling was more of hurt than anger.

As far as my overall health goes, it is actually very good. In fact, a couple of weeks ago I played two straight games of ultimate frisbee while carrying my three-year-old on my back. Yes, running. Yes, catching and throwing and scoring goals. With people 15 years younger than me. I've had more than one doctor tell me that I am 'very healthy,' and this was even in the midst of some of my major abdominal surgeries in the past few years.

The status of my reproductive system...I've shared many, many times that both of my fallopian tubes were blocked. Besides that, everything works perfectly fine! That's one of the reasons it's so frustrating for us in having to go through IVF to have more children, because if that one minor thing was okay we'd be fine! After all, we had no trouble getting pregnant the first time before my tubes became blocked. And in fact, the reason thousands upon thousands of women use in vitro fertilization is because of 'tubal occlusion.' Contrary to popular belief, IVF is not the most sought-out way to get pregnant. It's what we avoided as long as we felt we could, even when we were told nearly a year ago that we should proceed with IVF. Also, I recently met with a high-risk doctor -- a maternal-fetal specialist -- and he told me that I was an excellent candidate for IVF because of my age and my health and other factors.

One of my points here is that Casey and I are not at all going into this process lightly. I would say that anyone who does must not realize what they're getting into. Also, with all of the many, many tests that are given beforehand, and the talks one must go through with the doctors must tell you that they do not let you go into this lightly. If my doctor thought my body couldn't handle this, he would tell me. He's had a woman with severe Crohn's Disease go through IVF successfully. The body is an amazing thing and can handle a lot (trust me!), but if anyone thought this wasn't a good idea they would let me know. And Casey would be the first to stand in my way if he thought the risk was too high.

As far as whether it is in God's plan for us to have more children, I don't know. Have I had a sense of what he wants in this? No. Have I been prayerful about it? Yes. I think a big part of God's plan for me -- for everyone -- is to love him with all my heart, mind, soul and strength and to love my neighbor as myself. That I know for sure. But try telling a woman who has no children that it might be in God's plan for her to never have a child. I certainly won't.

I think adoption is a beautiful thing. I know people who have adopted children, I have friends who have been adopted. It's beautiful. And it isn't something we've never talked about, it's just that for us it was a further-down-the-road topic, if one at all. And I could be wrong on this, but it's possible that adoption would cost more than twice what we're paying for IVF. Don't quote me on that, but I have seen some numbers.

If you could get inside my head, my heart, my emotions to search out why I long so much to have another child, I don't think you'd find the exact answer. God instilled that longing in me, and so I know it is a good thing. I strive to be a godly woman, and I found an amazing spiritual leader in the man I call my husband. He helps keep me grounded, helps set the tone for calm in our home. I may have -- like we all do in our youth -- some silly things without first thinking of the consequences. This path we have prayerfully chosen, this process called IVF, is not one of those things.

11 comments:

Lori said...

Well said my dear.

Luke Family said...

I have more thoughts to share with the coward who would put what they did, but I think you have stated things in the nicest way possible. You owe no one who leaves an ANNONYMOUS, presumptuous, hurtful message any sort of explanation. To pretend THEY might better know God's plan for you? At least you admit you don't even know that. Keep following your heart. Love you!!

tracey said...

Lori ~ Thank you, my sweet friend!

Joy ~ I love you for wanting to protect me and stand up for me. Thank you for coming to my defense and for the encouragement! I love you too!

Mrs.Babbsy said...

Good luck with IVF! It's tough on your body, but well worth EVERYTHING!!!!! T&P sent your way!!!
Babbs

Jami said...

I wonder if this person who didn't have the guts to share his or her name with you, ever thought that maybe IVF is in God's plan for you and Casey!

God will bless you through this whole process -- just continue to put your faith in Him.

tracey said...

Mrs. Babbsy ~ Thank you for dropping in, thanks for the good thoughts!

Jami ~ Yeah, I guess Anonymous didn't think about that, but I've heard more than one person say that since! Thanks for your words, and for the long email (which I will respond to sooner than I did last time!). Good to have you to talk to.

jmberrygirl said...

Still praying. Wish I had words to comfort you and words to rebuke the hurtful commentor. Just know that God is in control. He knows far better than any of us what the future holds, both for your family and each of ours.
-Jenn

Jacqueline Hudson said...

I can't believe that someone can be so cruel. I mean they probably hadn't even looked at what you have been through. Big cyber hug from me and my fam....

tracey said...

Jenn ~ Thank you so much. It helps to keep getting encouragement like yours!

Jackie ~ You're right, they probably read one thing and gave their opinion. Thanks for the hugs!!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tracey said...

Anonymous ~ You might have noticed that I have deleted your comment, as it is my prerogative to do so. Yes, I am all too aware that my blog is open for all to read. But if you cannot, after all that I shared in my response, understand that hurtful comments are not helpful...well, I don't know what else to tell you. Just because something is available for all does not make it okay to hurt others. And please, if you have any more 'suggestions' I would rather you be courteous enough to leave your name like the others who share their opinions here.

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