Monday, December 29, 2008

Pre-New Year's Eve Post

It seems as though, at those times when my brain is racing with the greatest blog post in history...I'm never near the computer. Write it down, you say? What, you mean like in the olden days? No way. I'm too lazy.

Like I was saying, I tend to have these (so-called) brilliant points I'd like to make to no one in particular, just whoever will read my blog. I'm a journal-keeper, so this is just me journaling out loud, so to speak.

I think the topics are usually right there at the front of my brain, accessible whenever I'm sitting at the keyboard. It's those witty comments that seem to escape me the moment my fingertips touch the keys. Is that just me getting old(er)? Let's hope not, people, because that would mean it's only downhill from here!

During the Beijing Olympics, I had things to say. When the election was closing in I had lots of things to say. And maybe not what you would expect. And no, it didn't have to do with either of the candidates (See? I told you it wouldn't be what you expected!). It's just something that has become clearer and clearer to me over the past year or so...but it's not the easiest thing to get across on a blog, so I've hesitated. I love my friends and family dearly, but it's possible that some of them would read a paragraph or two and get the wrong idea about what I was trying to say. So far, obviously, I am not one of those take-me-or-leave-me bloggers. My skin is not yet so thick.

Another topic I've looked at is basically opening up more about what I've experienced in the past two-plus years. I know I've shared quite a bit about actual things that happened, but re-reading some of it I realized that I had glossed over so much or had tried to make it lighter with jokes. Sure, not everyone wants to hear about the hard stuff, but then they ultimately have the option of not reading it, right? (Ooh, there's that take-me-or-leave-me attitude coming out!) I am the type of person who will share almost everything with people. Why? No idea. I just don't make a point of hiding a lot unless I feel it's just way too personal or that there will be a better time to share. I don't mind any questions about all the hospital stuff, my auto-immune disorder...any of that.

Also...I know I've joked a lot about my scars. But honestly, that is something that has been a very, very hard pill to swallow. Call me vain if you will -- I've done it! -- but I find that most people, no matter how 'perfect' they may seem on the outside, have a problem with some part of their body. And I was fully prepared for my body to go through the changes that come with having a baby (annoyance #1: pre-pregnancy weight does not equal fitting into pre-pregnancy jeans, yeesh!), but obviously no one knew all the cutting that would take place on and inside my abdomen. I have toyed with the idea of taking photos of my scars, but not only that: actually sharing those photos, to somehow push through the sometimes-bitterness and grab hold of complete acceptance that this is how I look now.

But does anyone really want to see those scars? It's not like I enjoy them, so why would anyone else want to get a glimpse? Also, there's the obvious question of appropriateness. Not that the scars are anywhere but my abdomen, but still...showing my stomach to people? Another one of those things that makes me fear I'll lose all my readers with one click of the upload button. I'm a campus minister's wife, after all! But I suppose that, to me, it comes down to possibly helping anyone else out there who struggles with something like this. You know, someone who sees what I am trying to have courage to do and thinks, "Okay...if she can do that, deal with that, I'll get through." Or maybe it's just about me trying to conquer some demons and hey, if someone benefits along the way, all the better!

4 comments:

Jana (Varley) Green said...

You've made me feel connected with you......thanks.

tracey said...

Thanks Jana, that means a lot! =)

Anonymous said...

I for one would love to hear more, Trace... And by the way, I once posted a belly pic, which although mine's scarred in a different way from yours, is still very scarred. To my surprise, instead of turning ppl away, I had a ton contact me to thank me for sharing and I think it made me more real and honest with my blog readers. I still can't believe I did it though!

Sarah

tracey said...

Thanks so much, Sarah! I may just have the courage now to post some scar stuff. I love the raw sharing of it all -- it's just getting past the fact that I'm the one doing the sharing. =)

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