To My Four-Year-Old Everything

Dear Miles,

Today you are four years old. Do you know what I was doing four years ago? Being really scared, that's what. I found out you were going to be born, and it was way too early for that to be happening. Six weeks too early, in fact. You arrived small enough to need a week in the NICU, but big and healthy enough that you didn't need any oxygen. Your mama was very sick and weak, and you were very healthy and strong. Given the choice a million times over, I would choose to be the sick one each and every time.

I've wanted to cry each time I realize just how big you are, how much bigger you'll get and that I can't do anything to stop it...but you don't give me time to cry. You keep me laughing too much for the tears to come. It's either a funny face, a made-up song, a joke -- or simply your own laughter. I knew, I just knew that any child of mine and your daddy's would have a desire to make others laugh. It's a big part of what drew us together, and what has played a part in helping us through tough times.

There came a day, finally, when I stopped trying to guess what you might grow up to become. Handyman? Bug-catcher? Basketball or tennis player? Photographer? No matter what it is, I'm certain you'll enter it with gusto, and maybe a little frustration at times (because you're like me when you learn new things). I also know this, Miles: there will not be a prouder mama out there than me. I have to hold myself back from bragging to everyone I see about all you can do and all that you are learning to do.

The broken record in me will continue to profess how much I adore seeing you with your daddy. More and more, you want to be exactly like him, and you are never more happy than when you are by his side doing whatever he's doing. Doesn't matter if it's work -- you are with 'Dad' as you now call him, and as far as you're concerned that is the only place to be.

And like your daddy, you love the outdoors and all seasons. You love the snow (especially your first snowball fight with daddy!), you love the autumn leaves and you love summertime. But I don't think you have the same affection for all of them. This year you were most excited for springtime, because that meant you would see more frogs, turtles and bugs. You've already found a frog and a tiny turtle, and I will never forget the day that you found a grasshopper and then sobbed when it was time to leave him outside for the evening. It broke my heart to hear yours breaking...yes, even for one little grasshopper.

One thing that I wish I could keep the same more than anything is your innocence. But I know that time and the world slowly takes that away. Hopefully you will have a child of your own someday and get the chance to recapture what you have right now. I'm telling you, there is nothing sweeter and more pure than this wide-eyed wonder that I witness every day.

You don't know what lies ahead of you, Miles. I guess I don't either. What I do know is that life isn't easy, and I'm so thankful that you have no idea of that yet. I can't keep you in a bubble and I don't want to...but my heart does hurt to think of you facing the world on your own someday. For now, let's just stay close and cuddle, telling funny stories that make us laugh and sharing "just five more" hugs and kisses.

Love,

Mama