Five is Here. Heart, Don't Break.

Dear Miles,

Three days ago you turned five years old, something I have been slightly dreading for a while. Each birthday has gotten just a little more difficult for me, but five means more change than your mama is ready to embrace.

I begged you joked with you several times before the big day about remaining a four-year-old. Finally you got quite serious with me and said in a firm but kind voice, "I have to get bigger, you know that." You are so very ready to be taller and older, and yet you are still somehow sensitive to how I am dealing with it.

One of those changes I mentioned at the beginning is the fact that you will start attending school in the fall...no, not even the fall, because it begins on the fourth day of August! Can't I just have one more month with you? But no. And when we registered you for school recently I made myself swallow those feelings down, because this is a big deal for you and you need to know that I am going to be okay. Of course I'll have my little crying moments away from you, but I'm also going to be so proud to see my Miles head off on a new adventure.

Learning to write letters and to count

There have been so many more 'firsts' this past year. You played your first (and second) season of soccer and went from crying on the field to scoring your first goal! You really got into dressing up for Halloween, and sometimes when it wasn't Halloween you still wanted to be Batman. For Christmas you received your first 'big' bike...good thing too, that tricycle was getting a bit small for you. And even though we have had our cat Junebug since before you were born, the arrival of new kitty Oz has been a big first in your life. He just has no idea how much you adore him, and I think he's very lucky to have you for a friend.

Showing his soccer form

Enjoying Halloween treats at the library

Bike ride in the park

Miles and Oz: best buddies

This past winter, you made very clear something that has seemed clear for a good while now: you love the cold. In fact, you made that statement to me so much that I almost knew when you would say it. But even in that spirit you cannot ignore how much more you love each different season. It's as if it's in your blood, and must be, because your daddy is the same: loves the cold, but can't get enough of those changing seasons.

Looking cool while washing the car on a summer day

The perfect pumpkin

Snowball fight with Daddy in the nine-inch snowfall

Spring snails found on the porch

Miles and Daddy...what can I say? The blessings I receive from you both on a given day could keep my heart afloat for years to come. You are both more sweet to me than I deserve, and nothing makes me smile more than seeing you interact and share that daddy-son affection I know is so important. Miles, when you get older I hope to see you appreciate what an incredible man your daddy is. I know that right now he is your hero in that 'my daddy is the strongest man in the world' type of way...someday you'll learn that he is very strong, and giving his life in service to God shows that strength every day.

Daddy, Miles and Uncle Corey on the U of A campus

How tall are we, Mama?

 Falling asleep while waiting for Daddy to play

We've seen your sense of humor emerging more this past year. It's so much fun seeing you understand more subtle humor, but you're still mostly about the physical comedy. Nothing wrong with that! Some of the greats have been revered for their slapstick. I'm just glad you still think I'm funny, and hopefully our dinnertime giggles will last a long time.

I learn so much from you, Miles. You already see beauty in the small things, you take joy from the simple things, and you charge ahead with the tough things. Life is still so new and amazing for you, but you are teaching me. I have a feeling it will always be that way.

That purity, that innocence about you, I am holding on to that for as long as I can. When I write your next birthday letter, you will almost be through with your first year of school. How much will you have grown? How much will you have changed? I want you to grow in love and goodness always, and keep that joy in your heart as you go on your way. But I am here whenever you need me to lean on.

Love,

Mama

23rd Psalm

The Lord is my shepherd;

I have everything I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to his name.

Even when I walk

through the dark valley of death,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You welcome me as a guest,

anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love

will pursue me

all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever.

Little Angel

Sunday was a difficult day. Wait, that's an understatement. Sunday was a dark, dark day for me. Grieving takes you to dark places at times, but even in the midst of those times I know that I will come through it. I know that. Still, it doesn't change how hard grieving can be.

One thing that shook me out of it was Miles knocking on my door that afternoon, coming to my bedside and asking, "Mama, why won't you let me in with your sadness?" It was his simple and yet terribly insightful four-year-old way of showing me his love. I was torn and comforted at the same time.

So, don't worry about my grieving. It is healthy, it is necessary, it is a part of life. Plus, I have a little sandy-haired angel by my side who won't let me go very far into that 'darkness.' He's got a firm grip on my hand and definitely on my heart.

Pain

At 12:30 p.m. on Wednesday we got the news: our fourth attempt at in vitro fertilization had failed.

I am writing this from my 'cave' -- that being a surrounding of a large latte, my laptop, my knitting and my DVR remote. In other words, the things I use as my escape.

My pain is only just surfacing, and it is fierce. No, I do not need offers of a surrogate. My body can carry a baby perfectly well, it's just that the embryo/blastocyst needs to hold on and grow when it gets in there.

I do not want to talk about adoption. I've said this before, but the decision to have a baby/adopt a baby are extremely personal. Don't ever assume that someone wants to do that just because they don't have a baby.

Ranting aside, I am thankful for the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. I am highly aware that others have suffered and are suffering far beyond my comprehension. I work to keep that in mind as I wade through my own terrible grief.

Thanks for listening.

The Proposal

Last Monday evening, Casey and I were watching America's Funniest Videos with Miles. I had stopped watching it for years but started taping it again last year because I thought Miles would enjoy it. He loves it. Since then, I've sent in two videos to AFV, one of Miles as a baby and one of our college students.

So, one of the many video clips we were watching that evening was a wedding video, and as we saw the couple exchanging vows, Miles turns to me and says, "Can we do that, Mom?" I clarified that he meant getting married, and he said yes. Then a pause as he looked at me very seriously and asked, "Would you?"

I turned to Casey and said, "He's proposing to me!" I've heard so many moms talk about having a similar moment with their little boys. Little boys' first love is their mama, and it is more sweet than I can even put into words. I have always wondered if Miles would talk about marrying me -- he has told Casey that 'Mama is my girl' and that sort of thing, but this moment...this was the moment.

So I told Miles, "That is so sweet, but Mama already married Daddy." He wasn't having that. "No, I'm going to marry you." Then he went on to say he was also going to marry 'tiny Sam' who is one of his best little girl friends he sees often at worship and they are very sweet together. She is just one year younger than him.

I thought I had it straight, but I decided to clarify: "So Miles, you are going to marry me, then you are going to marry tiny Sam?"

"Yes."

"But you can only marry one person."

"No, I want two."

That's an entirely new discussion for another day.